Olsim: The abyss

“YOU gaze long into the abyss and the abyss will also stare back at you”

There is a self in us that that yearns to make sense of day and night; that self which pulls us into a distant, strange, yet, well-known encounter with the absurdity of our existence – of being born, of eating, aging, working and ultimately, dying.

There is this stranger in us that feels this boredom of human routine, the one that seeks meaning and asks why? And what? And who? And back to “why?” again. “Why do I exist? Who have put me in this world? Why was I not consulted? Why is this world cold, empty...sad?

Whenever I hear news about suicides, I feel a familiar pang in my heart. That is because a decade ago, I would’ve been part of the numbers. It is not only by our rockstar heroes, or by famous people like Bourdain. In my life, I have personally had three friends who did it – screwed the world and left according to their own terms. One, a high school friend, son of a wealthy local contractor pulled the trigger in his room one morning.

Another friend chose the longer route with alcohol and drugs as daily sustenance until his soul was forced out of his rotting body. The other was more daring; he tied his neck and jumped to purposely feel the pain of it all – frustrations, wasted dreams, and a broken heart.

Fortunately I was not reckless (or stupid) enough to do that plunge. One rainy night as I ponder about the meaninglessness of life and the prospects of ending it, I saw a kid helping his father sell fish balls at Governor Pack road. The boy would wipe his father’s brow and the father would tell his son to be patient, “Just a few more so we can have something to eat...” he would whisper. That is when I felt a tremendous shame in my life. Why would I ever think of ending my own story?

Occasionally from then, I would only dip myself in and out of the absurd...until two little angels will finally fly me away from that dark place.

In these times, people are committing suicide for reasons beyond us. Some are the rich, famous, and the successful. I don't pretend that I know much about what they've been through, or that I fully understand depression or mental issues associated with it...but, every time I pass by our town's Trading-post for work, I see people - young and old, some even have ailments - laboring, hustling, struggling; carrying heavy loads of vegetables for many hours, staying under the heat of the sun to sell goods, trying to survive the day...all because they want to live.

Regardless of its reality, I will never romanticize suicide, even depression as its cause. Perhaps such statement is uncalled for, or not proper, some may even call it ignorance. But, I dread the day when the world will see suicide as a daily natural occurrence like colds or flu.

Life is really not flowers and rainbows, but we are, and should be strong creatures who shall endure the rugged trails of life. Let us keep living.

For the readers of our column who might be thinking about it now, contact me at 09173071813, or email me at valredsmail@yahoo.com. Let us have coffee.

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