I OFTEN hear the confession, “I could handle the work. What I could not handle was my boss!”
Bossy bosses are a redundant reality.
Authoritative leadership (sometimes with a speck of dictatorship) may work in a crisis and emergency situations where split-second decisions must be made by the majority’s trusted official. But like adrenaline pumping in a human body, this works precisely because it’s called for only on very rare occasions. Flood the body daily with such adrenaline and it becomes a mess of anxiety attacks and cardiac arrests.
Narcissistic management does precisely that. Employees who would otherwise be more useful in maximizing their rational thinking and creativity is flooded with the constant stress of feeling like they are on a battlefield every single day.
It is when they develop gastrointestinal problems and insomnia not from thinking about work but facing their boss and hearing his daily dose of curses.
Do not get me wrong, there are managers who are just having a bad day (or a bad year if he or she is undergoing a personal or family crisis). They may act out in response to pressure or panic, but eventually, they calm down and come back to the person you respect and trust. These managers may only need mentors, coaches, or training to open their lines of communication and engage in a more productive self-expression.
Narcissistic managers, on the other hand, have the capacity to destroy even the most cohesive of teams. Their influence is so toxic that they undermine the efforts of everyone around them to create a harmonious relationship. They may at first seem successful but eventually, they implode or become so isolated from the rest of the group.
Although managerial narcissism displays a bravado of superiority, aggression, and security, this kind of management style actually reveals a deep-seated inferiority complex and a fearful personality.
In his article entitled “10 Signs Your Boss or Manager is a Narcissist” published on Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com), author, professor, and coach Preston Ni, discussed the following personas taken on by pathological narcissists in the workplace:
1. They are insensitive to your needs and use you as an extension of their including running personal errands, taking on inappropriate chores, or assuming part of their responsibilities without acknowledgment or just compensation.
2. Pathological narcissists over-do name or status dropping to always appear important. This shows their brown-up and exaggerated sense of selves to make sure you’re impressed. They hog the spotlight, wanting to be the center of attention by dominating discussions. They can be disruptive and likes to put others down publicly to feel better about themselves
3. They do not normally give credit and are stingy with praises as they feel these would undermine their own star power. When they do give affirmations, it’s usually only to highlight their own achievements and to push their agenda further. Most of the time, they steal or take credit from others’ ideas and hard work.
4. They really believe they are “special,” the exceptions to the rules, and are above the law. So much so that they’re prone to taking shortcuts and taking advantages of people and the system. Self-entitlement and grandiosity play in most of their games. And once criticized, they lash out, throw tantrums or blame others for their failings because they can’t seem to accept that they’re not as superior as they believed they are.
5. Since they feel they’re always in some ways better than anyone else, they can lack empathy for others and treat them only based on their usefulness to them. Criticisms, even constructive ones, are met with tantrums, lashing out, indifference, excuses, or blaming others for their failings. They quickly judge, criticize, and ridicule to make people feel inferior so they can boost their ego.
While it’s tempting to just pack up and leave, often times quitting a job because of managerial narcissism is not practical. You may actually love your job and your co-worker. You may be earning well in your current designation and cannot afford to lose your career. The best solution, for now, maybe to co-exist with your boss and learn how to handle him or her.
But how to do that?
Be the better man or woman – be the adult in your work relationship, the one who has the necessary emotional toolbox equipped with healthy self-esteem and boundaries, positive coping mechanism, and a support system to get you through difficult situations. Know when you need to take a breather.
Practice positive self-talk before starting your day and debrief yourself to brush off any negativity after work. Discern between rants and the truth. Exercise to release any remaining annoyances or anger. Worst case scenario, address issues with the right HR person in your company.
Learn the trigger points and the “pogi or ganda” points – it would be so difficult for anyone to justify their behavior when you go beyond the call of duty and responding kindly when given a rude remark (so hard, I know!). Learn what is important to them so you can be indispensable. Study and avoid their pet peeves no matter how petty they might seem to you. Remember that they may not be emotionally capable of calmly handling confrontations or anything that may be regarded as embarrassing or disrespectful.
Focus on your big “why” – look beyond your current boss and see what this job means to you instead. Hear beyond the crude words and dream about that big bonus. Have a ready list of reasons for your decision to stay and what would make you say “It was worth it!” eventually. Shifting from victim-mode to a purposeful mindset can help you gain the proper perspective whether you decide to work things out or leave.