Friday , May 25, 2018

The hate is on

M: Kiara had a five-year relationship with John that ended because of a third party: her best friend Shane. Kiara still can’t move on and partly it is because John and Shane have never said sorry. Kiara, you will never be able to move on if you base your decision to move forward on the actions of those who betrayed you. Forgiveness is for you to give to those who have asked for forgiveness. But if they have not, you can forgive them anyway. Pain is inevitable but misery is optional.

DJ: Kiara’s experience of hurt is understandable considering she lost both her boyfriend and her best friend in one go. But I hope she’s realizing that all the pain she’s carrying around is just zapping her energy and is eating her bandwidth, leaving little time and space to love and feel loved by the right people in her life. Forgiving doesn’t mean she is excusing them from their actions. Forgiving is releasing herself from the past so she can freely and happily enjoy and appreciate what and who she still has in the present.

M: Five years is a long time to be in a relationship. But think of it this way, if she’ll stay longer than five years or ends up together with John, there still is no guarantee that he will not betray her. Thinking all this time about their betrayal and not allowing herself to move out of the rut will suck the life out of Kiara. If John and Shane will apologize, good. But if they don’t, she can’t let it get in the way of her recovery. For all we know, they are also struggling with themselves because of what they did to her and cannot as of yet afford to face her. Kiara will just have to let them be and work instead on herself.

DJ: It’s normal for her to hate what they did. But if she clings to it longer than she should, she’s already giving John and Shane the power to control her life. She’s giving them the authority to decide for her happiness. It’ll be helpful to redirect her focus to the person she has the most control of—herself—and find ways to make her life better and whole again, even without their apology. There’s a lot more to her story than what happened in the past. She is the star. She can move the story forward one page, one chapter at a time.

M: I know that we sometimes need distractions to serve as a temporary antidote to feelings of anxiety or emptiness so now is the best time to get out of your comfort zone. But if Kiara wants to put herself back together, she needs to slow down, confront her pain, figure out why the betrayal happened and decide what she wants to do about it. She can anchor on the people who have kept her confidence, honored their word, and stuck by her side. The process of restoring trust takes time. But when she’ll restore her trust, she can find forgiveness. And when she’ll find it, she will be able to see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding.

DJ: While her ex-boyfriend and best friend broke her heart, she need not break too. She still has her mind and spirit and the people who love her. John and Shane do not deserve the right to hold the key to her happiness. She should never allow them any longer to decide how she should feel about herself and her life. Forgiving them puts the final seal on this chapter, affirming to the universe that she indeed deserves to be happy.