Singlestalk: Settle or set out

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Michelle (M): A woman in her late 30s has a boyfriend of five years. Although she is quite content with her relationship, she is currently unhappy with her work. The upside is that she found a good opportunity for career advancement. However, this means that she has to transfer to Manila. While her relationship with her boyfriend of five years is generally okay, he has not proposed marriage.

She’s asking if she should stay in Cebu and wait or should she consider taking the Manila offer? My advice is for her to tell her boyfriend that she is considering the job offer and the move to Manila. If he supports her decision, then she can ask him what his plans are for their future. If he does not approve of her moving to Manila, I suggest that she reconsider their relationship because I think it is unfair for her to be in a relationship that seems to have no clear direction. What do you say, DJ?

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Darwin John (DJ): This question frankly geeks me out. If she thinks her calling is marriage, her age is a factor to consider. She can add to the equation the five good years together. And while she did not mention her boyfriend’s age, still they’re not getting any younger.

On this information alone and if they’re considering it as a possibility, I must say settling down will be sooner than later. Thus, she can’t move to Manila without considering how this will potentially impact her relationship. And she also can’t just write off this opportunity without weighing her options well. My suggestion? She needs to discuss this with her boyfriend and take it from there.

M: There is a saying “time and tide waits for no man” and “opportunity knocks only once.” In this case of the woman’s dilemma of staying in Cebu or moving to Manila, I think she would have a better idea on how to decide on things (with or without having to ask the boyfriend) if she knows her priorities at this point in her life.

Is it career or marriage? And if it is marriage, how long is she going to wait for the man to decide whether they will marry? Or is she going to have to ask him or give him a sort of deadline? If you’ve been in a relationship for many years and still aren’t sure if you should commit to be together, then it’s probably time to step back, assess where you are and decide if you still want to go further or farther. What’s the point of staying in a smooth sailing relationship that’s headed nowhere?

DJ: I suggest that she approach the conversation by asking his input for both of them to best figure a balanced solution. This will not put her boyfriend on the spot and makes him more available to participate. Work out a possible compromise. A relationship is also about compromise.

Giving him what he needs—a reasonable time to think more about it for example—is not the same as giving up. And lastly, I’d like to remind her to understand the discussion’s emotional component. It will potentially surface lots of feelings. Whatever her boyfriend says, it is important that she constantly remind herself not to let her emotions run.

M: There are instances when a guy still doesn’t want to commit even after years of being together. It’s just but fair for the woman to know where she stands, especially that she cannot put her life on hold.

Patience is a good virtue but I think there’s no sense in waiting in vain. Before making a decision, it is always good to deliberate, discern and pray. When you decide, one way or another, you don’t prolong the agony. And when you know the right thing to do, just do it!

DJ: Ultimately, speaking one’s truth is one of the most loving things to do. Communication and relationships are inseparably connected. What’s great about this development is it’ll get them to talk about where they’re headed for. It clears the path for her decision. It also gives them a better idea on the depth and width of their relationship, and how they both can articulate these to each other. My best wishes to both of them!