Singlestalk: Marrying the fight one

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Michelle (M): A forwarded email talks about love and commitment in marriage. The story started with one woman who popped the question, “Did I marry the right now?” And here’s the writer’s answer: “Every relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to do anything. People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.”

It implies that you were just standing there, not doing anything, and then something came along and happened to you. Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of every relationship. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

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Darwin John (DJ): I don’t agree that marriage not a word but a sentence. I do agree that marriage is not a noun but a verb. Marriage is about loving an imperfect person in an imperfect way. Unconditional love sounds cool, not to mention romantic, but it is an ideal. I don’t think it’s always possible for someone to give a perfect love or to expect for one.

I am sorry for killing the fairy tale before it even reaches the first chapter. Marriage and love need work. It’s a give and take relationship and there is a measure on who gave more or less. No wonder some relationships turn from good to better. Some starts are hot and end up cold; some exists like a flat line. The key differentiator is how willing and able a couple is to work together through a relationship’s ups and downs. The funny thing is things tend to go for the worse before they can be better. What can’t break a relationship makes it stronger.

M: The writer goes on to say that “At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.”

DJ: That’s sad. They should have understood the commitment they signed themselves to—for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness or in health. There is wisdom to what my late dad told me when I was tired living the telenovela that starred my girlfriend, myself and a poor, nervous dog. He said that it wasn’t wise for me to assume a relationship to be at 50-50 for it to work. In some days, she goes through difficult times and so I have to give 80 percent because the most that she can give is only 20% considering the circumstance she’s in. But the shoe can also be on my foot sometimes. And so I give only 25 percent while she has to put in the 75 percent.

M: Yes, I agree. In fact, the writer further says that “the answer does not lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And temporarily you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later, because the key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person. It is learning to love the person you found. Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll never just happen to you. You can’t “find” lasting love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love,” because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes wisdom.

DJ: Oh well, even marrying Mr. Right can still be a problem if her first name is Always. She becomes Mrs. Always Right. And in the real world, Prince Charming sometimes comes with a bald head with some difficulty of having his subject agree with his verb. Being the right one is just as important as marrying the right one. And so for now, I am deciding to make one woman happy—by remaining a bachelor.