Singlestalk: Time of her life

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Michelle (M): Our acronym for the day is NBSB. A 35 year old woman wrote that she is NBSB (no boyfriend since birth). She also said that she doesn’t consider herself pretty and thinks she is the odd one out. Her two sisters are pretty. In fact one sister is a beauty queen here in Cebu. NBSB, however, is smart, works as a manager and is generally successful in her career. Her concern is that she has a new officemate who is 28 years old and shows interest in her. He gives her chocolates, joins her for lunch; invites her for dinner and movies. She said no but eventually decided to give it a try. To her surprise, she had a great time. But she is insecure about whether the guy is truly attracted to her. Aside from being younger than her, she has a higher position at work than him. What should she do?

DJ: This is a positive development. She’s having a great time. And she’s not getting any younger. But it is still too early to say whether this will evolve from good to better or from good to bad. I just have to tell her to be cautious. That means engaging this guy, for now, using her head more than her heart. Think about their times together as opportunities to get to know him better. Do not focus just yet on how he makes her feel good. The potential concern here isn’t really the guy’s age. It’s his intention. I suggest that she should keep herself from falling until she has enough reason to believe that he’s worth the chance she’s giving him. And more importantly, if he’s interested to be in a relationship with her. It is not wise to assume.

Have something to report? Tell us in text, photos or videos.

M: Frankly, I do not see any problem with dating a younger man. My ex boyfriend was six years younger than me. He is now my husband. I have friends who are into relationships with much younger men. The word that may come to mind to some is cougar, defined as an older woman, usually in her late 30s or 40s, who actively pursues younger men. That is not the case of NBSB nor mine or my friends. It is the younger men that pursued us. For that, I think NBSB should be proud. And there’s no shame in not having a boyfriend at 35. So what? As they say, life begins at 40!

DJ: Age is a factor but it’s not the main driver for a relationship’s success or failure. It’s really possible that this guy genuinely likes her. And it’s not every day a person takes true interest on who we are as persons. But until his intentions are clear or at least beyond reasonable doubt, hold those emotions and do not let them run wild. Not yet.

Another thing she should consider is her company’s policy on dating, her type of work and whether he is directly under her or at least within her span of control. Relationships have ups and downs and some companies view these as distractions.

M: And if NBSB might wonder, “Why would a young man want to date an older woman?”—why not? Actually, younger men are said to have been attracted to older women for a long time; it’s just that today, these couples are no longer keeping it secret. Younger men also prefer older women because older women are smart, capable, confident, accomplished and secure. Maybe NBSB’s concern is more on the propriety of going out with someone from work, especially a subordinate. Better check your work policies with HR. But NBSB, I think you should enjoy the attention and not think of yourself as less than what you are. Hopefully it’s not your bank account and the interest!

DJ: True love can start with drum and bugle. But I suggest that she waits till the frills start to clear and see what’s there after that. She can go out with him, get to know him better, enjoy and have fun as long as it doesn’t interfere with the company’s policy which she signed up for.

Do not invest too much emotion just yet. And stay clear from situations that will make it difficult to keep that in check. Pray. Ask wisdom possibly from a few trusted friends. Study the patterns, see how they repeat and take it from there. Then decide not according to the world’s standard. In each one of us is a Spirit who guides us in our every decision. When there is a sense of peace, most likely she’s on the right path.