Singlestalk: Valuing our loved ones

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Michelle (M): What’s great about being longtime in love is having a relationship you know you can always count on. The not-so-great thing: occasionally forgetting to appreciate what a gift your love really is.

Darwin John (DJ): The weird part really is it’s the people who love us the most who often need a neon-colored sign for us notice them. Valuing our loved one means giving them our time.

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I know this is quite a bit of a challenge these days when change is happening in big, bold, hurry-up-and-get-with-it strokes. Juggling work, family, love and time for self is a gravity-defying stunt. But remember that it takes time to have a relationship and to make it work. Loving is not about giving a person our time whenever we’re available. It is about finding time to be with her or him even with our busy schedule.

M: When we think our solid bond as a given, falling into auto-pilot mode is a hazard. It’s so normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy to feel comfortable and safe, and you don’t stop to think: OMG, could we be neglecting each other? The misconception is that when you’ve found long-term love, you can put your feet up. But we still have to learn how to make it a priority. Be grateful for the tiny stuff.

Over time, we stop noticing what our partner gives. We think, ‘of course he’ll take the trash out or clean the car’ so we don’t bother to say thank you. But those two words not only make men feel special, they also bring out their sweetest feelings.

DJ: Honestly, I still think it’ll be good if there aren’t too many trash to take away. Never mind if there are too many cars to wash! But seriously, we can never underestimate the power of a kind word. Relationships suffer when a couple no longer speak kind and loving words to each other.

Someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” I disagree. Words can hurt. And so is the lack of kind and loving words. Plan to say an encouraging word to those you love. This suggestion sounds contrived but it will be more spontaneous when you get the hang of it.

Do you know someone who believes in you, who frequently spoke words of encouragement and praise? Have you ever met someone who makes you feel you can do it whatever it is that you hope to accomplish? No doubt she or he brings out the best in you. Be that person to others. And don’t miss to include the people you love.

M: Communication is very important. Like duh! Weekly date nights are great but a more practical intimacy builder is to connect for two good minutes a day. Two minutes is enough to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.

There’s a term in aikido: ‘Look at your opponent with soft eyes.” In a relationship, the idea is to keep soft eyes on the places where it is not perfect. What you focus on, expands. If you decide to look for the good, it really has a way of bringing out the good in each other. Cherishing our relationships is not about an unrealistic romance-novel view of love. It’s knowing that even when we’re driving each other crazy, underneath it all, we’ll always value what’s irreplaceable about each other. Love each day like it’s your last. There’s nothing like a crisis to make us realize just how much our loved ones mean to us. Why wait for something bad to happen to appreciate your relationship? The time to love is now and now is the time not to take our love for granted.

DJ: Just as you can’t expect that a couple can both live on air and water alone as long as they are in love, know also that it takes more than Holy Kettle Corn and Coke to nourish a relationship. It needs work. Give her or him time. Be a positive and encouraging person. Bring out his or her best. Doing these is like pouring perfume on others. You can’t help it but also get a few drops on yourself!