Singlestalk: Chill

Saturday, December 3, 2011

MICHELLE: If looks could kill, the person we are looking at could be lying on the floor. Anger is baffling. One can talk softly but whack you with a big stick. Whapak! Some lash out with words and almost sever your head from your neck from the force of their saliva!

I once blew my top. It was not a pretty sight. But it was for a valid cause. My righteous indignation was fueled by the lack of courtesy of some people. After I said my piece, I apologized to restore the peace. On the surface, you seem to be a cool and calm person. But everyone gets angry. How do you control your anger? Or you don’t?

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DJ: Someone said, “Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.” But seriously, managing anger can be tough in this new world that’s bursting with challenges and pressure. So, just when you reach that point when you think you should say or do something because you’re very mad, that’s the best time to shut up and do nothing. Of course, this is easier said than done, but it’s a good rule to keep in mind.

Life has its way of surprising us, and it can be as startling as opening a fortune cookie with this message inside—“I’m being held hostage in the kitchen.” There is wisdom in taking a deep breath and counting from one to ten. It allows our mind to catch up and eventually overtake our emotions. Because when our emotions are too strong, that’s also when we need to use more of our head.

M: When I was younger, I sometimes didn’t tame my tongue and gave in to my anger and hurt feelings. I eventually learned that it was no use to be adversarial or confrontational. So I did the next best thing to let it out. I wrote. Now, I type on my computer instead of writing on paper. I fear I will get a paper cut and splatter blood all over my table! Seriously, ever since I joined a community I really wanted to live out the commandment of loving one’s neighbor, even one’s enemy. I discovered that sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves. We should learn to love and forgive ourselves.

DJ: Your point reminds me of a story about a boy who had a temper. His dad gave him a bag of nails. Each time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence. On the first day, the boy drove 37 nails into the fence. But over time, he learned to control his anger, and so the number of nails hammered daily gradually decreased. He realized it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Time came when the boy did not lose his temper at all. When he told his dad about it, he was asked to pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. Months passed and the young boy finally was able to tell his dad that all the nails were gone.

His dad then said, “You’ve done well, my son. But take a look at the holes on the fence. The fence is never the same. Just like when you’re angry. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. And no matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.” I’m still a work in progress myself as far as anger management is concerned. But this story hopefully will help our readers just as it has helped me.

M: When I am angry, battling to control it or tempted to remain angry with a person, I ask for the grace to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.

Acceptance is the key to serenity. If I know that the circumstances are beyond my control, I pray that my emotions will not take control of me. I am not always successful, but I know that I have to choose not to be angry. Or else I’ll have a heart attack or ma dis-beauty!

DJ: It’s been said that anger is only one letter short of danger. Avoid collision particularly when you’re both at your boiling point. Always remember that your relationship often is more important than what you’re arguing about.

I read somewhere that we need to have more diplomacy, the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way that he or she looks forward to the trip. Just kidding. But never do something that will permanently hurt a relationship, particularly if the difference is only something that’s temporary.

Chill. Hold that temper, and avoid doing or saying things you will regret. Yup, it’s hard. But strive to choose to be the person who is stronger and bigger. Your strength is within. Stay rooted.