Confessions: When 'she' tells 'him' about love

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

THE year 2012 is getting much hype lately: they say the world’s about to cave in for good.

But other than the hyped apocalypse, we have—whether this is the last one or not—Valentine’s Day coming up soon. And, like that’s not enough, 2012 is actually a leap year before anyone forgets.

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Valentine’s Day, Leap Year, the Apocalypse—what’s the connection? Well, except for the last one (that was just totally random), there is a legend, a tradition kept, saying that women can propose marriage to their men, more specifically during the leap day, Feb. 29.

Yes, it’s a reversal of roles like no other. So where and when did this legend begin?

According to folklore, as early as the fifth century in Ireland, St. Brigit of Kildare complained to St. Patrick, why women had to wait so long for a man to propose (a lot of ladies in their 30s now reading may be able to relate to this).

St. Patrick then replied that females could propose on this single day every leap year—and that alone—breaking the monotony of courtship.

Of course, this is just a legend. But say this really happens, or has actually already happened, for some people at present. Is this approach actually effective?

“Naturally, if there is a reversal of gender roles, relationship dynamics will be different. It must be understood that courtship (where the guy courts the girl) is actually controlled by the girl. The length, nature and quality of courtship are determined by the girl. If the girl becomes the courter, theoretically, power dynamics also change,” said Tyler C. Ong, psychotherapist and clinical psychologist, Doctor of Psychology in Clinical Psychology; Master of Science in Psychology-Marriage and Family Therapy program.

“In our machismo culture, it is generally considered to be a failure of the masculine nature of a man if the woman makes the first move. In the same manner, the woman is viewed to be somewhat un-feminine because of her non-conformity to what womanhood should be,” Ong added.

Whether this whole “leap year proposal reversal” is being practiced or not, the idea has been the subject of quite a few stories. One says that as early as 1288, this age-old tradition was practiced on the British Isles. Queen Margaret of Scotland was said to have drafted a law requiring that fines be imposed on men if they refused a marriage proposal from the ladies; the compensation ranged from a kiss to a silk gown, in order to “soften the blow.”

This “right of a woman to propose” was also traced hundreds of years back, when the English Law allegedly held Feb. 29 as the “day of no legal status.” In effect, people assumed that even social traditions (including one that allowed only men to propose) could be made irrelevant on that day as well.

But what really works? Does the phrase “different strokes for different folks” apply in this situation?

“The basic question is: Would the larger society approve of this act? If there is no approval, censure might follow and since this behavior is punished, future repetitions of said behavior might wane until it disappears.”

“Who proposes to whom and how, is the business of the couple and merely reflects what works for them in their own relationship. After marriage, marital relationships still follow certain rules, and I am not aware of how it would be different. Certainly there are many wives who are the true authorities in the household, but it was their husbands who initiated courtship and proposed to them. So we can’t say that girls who propose to guys become stronger than their husbands after marriage. Once married, the couple is subjected to the same risk factors and socio-political, historic and psychological variables that affect potentially all married couples,” Ong rounded up.

In a culture where it is understood that a man has to court or propose first, this supposed reversal of roles every leap year should be enough to spark a few debates within circles.

So will the ladies actually pop the big question this month? Purchase a diamond ring and get on her knees perhaps? No one really knows—the guys might be in for an engaging surprise.