Singlestalk: Le Miserable

Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez-Palmares

Michelle: A lot of people who we think seem to live perfect lives are actually living a life that is perfectly a lie. Take this guy. He’s 30 years old. Good-looking. Has a great job. In a three-year relationship with his girlfriend and engaged to be married.

Their relationship is generally a good one. Everything seems right except for one thing. He is gay. He is also conflicted. And he is asking what he should do.

My not-so-simple answer to his not to simple question is to get rid of the conflict inside him by being true to himself, to his girlfriend and to his family. It is not easy. In fact, it is downright scary. But in the long run, I think he will be better appreciated by everyone around him, especially the woman that he is engaged to be married, if he will tell the truth.

The truth hurts but it is better than living a lie. Sooner or later, the secret will be out, the tendencies will manifest and more people might be involved or affected, including their children (if he manages to consummate their marriage).

DJ: This is woeful. There’s nothing wrong about him being gay. It’s his dishonesty that’s amiss. He should be fair to his fiancé. She should know. She deserves the right to decide to live with it, or to move on and be happy.

He could have done this earlier. Or better yet, he should have resolved his confusion before engaging in a relationship with her. But the howler has been done. And this is his chance to correct it, and allow her to explore what could be a wonderful new beginning.

M: I have a good friend who learned a few months after she got married that her husband was gay. She tried her best to make their marriage work but it got so bad that she got sick. It was a miserable life especially when her husband openly flaunted his relationships with other men.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. What is wrong is when one pretends to be other than what he really is and his pretense ultimately causes pain to those who believed in what he pretended to be. I have a lot of gay friends, both in and out of the closet.

They are good people and they have the same feelings, fears and aspirations that straight people have. But their lot is not so easy especially when there are family and society’s expectations. And even if they don’t mind what society thinks, it is the opinion of their family that they are afraid of or anxious about.

DJ: A study shows that not all gay-straight marriages are unhappy. It’s possible for a
couple to make peace and accept each other’s sexual preference, and remain happily married. But the same study also presents that the homosexual issue is an insurmountable challenge for the majority of husbands, wives and families affected by it.

Adultery is a shattering experience, particularly if the other woman turns out to be a man! It’s best for our email sender to be honest to his fiancé about his feelings, and to accept himself and all that it entails.

M: Three years is a long time to waste in a relationship that has no real future. The guy has to keep in mind that he should be kind enough to spare his fiancée further pain upon knowing that he is gay by not further dragging his foot and continuing a relationship based on lies and deception. Maybe these are harsh words but we sometimes have to be cruel in order to be kind.

You have to call a spade a spade. He is wrong for leading her on, for making her believe that there is a happy ever after for them. Frankly, I don’t foresee one. Unless she can heartily accept that he is gay and would still want to be married to him. Which is another story. Until then, he has to tell her the truth and nothing but the truth. So, just do it! Good luck!

DJ: Sometimes, being truthful is not knowing that it might hurt someone. But what we need to realize is when we live in lies, it drives an invisible wedge between us and the people we care about. What someone wise once said is true—truth without love is brutality.

Love without truth is hypocrisy. I wish our email sender the best. May he find the strength to stand in for the truth that will set him free. May he live happily ever after. And for you, Mic, who celebrated your birthday last Wednesday, I wish you a healthy and peaceful life! Stay happy. Stay blessed!