Singlestalk: The end of an engagement

Michelle: How do you end an engagement? A guy wrote that he has been engaged for six months already and their wedding is six months from now. He said that he realized many things about his fiancée which he did not see before as they were preparing for marriage. He also says that he is sure that he doesn’t want to marry her. So what does he need to do? Two things: Be honest and be fair. The guy should tell his fiancée the truth while there is still time to undo any further wedding preparations.

This is better than letting his fiancée go on with the wedding checklist: motif, theme, gown, hair and makeup, list of sponsors and wedding entourage, giveaways, menu, etc. If your relationship really does not have a future, then now is the time to discuss what can be done and how you both feel about one another and the potential marriage.

DJ: It’s easy to be caught up with everyone’s expectations. He might be having cold feet. But if they’re already freezing cold, he shouldn’t shush or suppress what he’s feeling or thinking.

Sure, it would have been better if he figured this out before he placed a gazillion-peso ring around her finger. But if his brain is already yelling that this is not the path they both should take, calling it quits is better than setting both of them up for a potentially difficult life. Never mind if the fairy-tale garden wedding venue’s already paid. Come to think of it, the marriage is so much more important than the wedding!

M: I read a relationship advice column where a girl who wanted to end her engagement was advised that “you cannot marry a man out of guilt, responsibility or fear of letting him or anyone else down. When you marry a person, it must be with the belief that this is the person you want to spend your life with.” Marriage is not easy. It takes an incredible amount of work to make it work. It is important that both of you are heading in the same direction and have more or less the same life goals.

Before getting married is the best time to think hard, discern and decide about what lies ahead for both of you. It’s better to realize now that getting married will not be both to your best interests than getting married and deciding right after that it is a big mistake.

DJ: It will most likely hurt but here are a couple of suggestions on how to break it to her gently. Don’t do it the night before her bar exam. Do it on a non-special weekend to give her time to regroup. Never inform her through phone or by updating his Facebook status from “engaged” to “single.” Pick a place where she can freely express what she feels. No need to tell her it’s the best decision he’s ever made in his life, to blame her for her weaknesses or to convince her that it’s not her. It’s him. Just be firm, honest but respectful and polite.

If she’s calm and open for a dialogue, he can even involve her on the moving forward steps. It’s usually best to leave it to her to notify her friends and family about the break-up. Don’t be too eager to send a broadcast email or immediately post a shout out that says, “Sheesh, that was close.

It’s over. I’m free!”

M: Many fail to realize that the wedding is just one day but a marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. Engaged couples who have reservations about moving forward will usually worry that they will disappoint their families and friends if they don’t push through with the wedding. No relationship is exempt from challenges. A couple thinking of getting married should make a decision for themselves on whether to go for it or not.

There’s no shame in backing out of something that you are not sure of. Breaking an engagement is a brave act and by no means an easy feat. But don’t leave your partner hanging, or waiting at the altar. If you know that you will be making a mistake if you’re going to walk down the aisle, don’t just walk away. Be fair to the other party. As they say “all’s fair in love and war.”

DJ: The dress, shoes, even the engagement ring can be salvaged or sold. What can’t be recouped? A lifetime of potential misery. It’s late. But it’s not too late. He still has a choice. When done right, time will heal the wounds. Things will turn out for the best. All will be well.