Singlestalk: MU (misunderstanding)?

Michelle: A reader wrote to ask for insights if a guy really has feelings for her. They have a long distance texting relationship. She used to make fun of his text messages revealing his feelings for her and only came to realize that she had feelings for him after years of texting each other.

This happened when he texted her that he was going to marry his ex-girlfriend whom he got pregnant. Since she couldn’t bear her feelings and upon advice of her friends, our reader said she confessed to the guy (I think through text) that she had feelings for him too.

She’s now asking if she did the right thing because the guy is confused whether to get married or not and in fact the marriage was postponed due to some reasons (she did not say what). She said the guy regrets the fact why she only told him now of her feelings for him when he was set to marry his pregnant ex-girlfriend because of the responsibility he has to take.

Apparently the pregnant ex-girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife found out about the message because she texted the girl that she found a guy who would be seriously interested in her. The thing is, our reader believes what the guy is telling/texting her. How do you make out of this text twist?

DJ: This story has everything going against it: there’s no formal commitment involved, it’s long distance, very minimal personal communication if ever there was even any and he’s got a pregnant girlfriend he’s suppose to marry. In a nutshell, it’s complicated.

This isn’t just about how our female reader feels about the guy. And she can’t just make a major decision that will potentially affect the lives of at least four people—hers, that of her text mate, his girlfriend and the baby inside her womb—without factoring all these into the equation. The way I look at it, she has a lot more reason to let go than to hold on.

M: One thing I am curious about is if the girl has met the guy in person. From her e-mail I presumed that although they had been text mates for quite some time, they still have not met as she mentioned it was a long distance relationship. I cautioned her about this long-distance texting relationships because it is different if you have personally met the person as opposed to just texting them.

Sometimes, what we imagine a person to be is not the same in reality. We can be swayed by our feelings and emotions by the hint of mystery, the exchange of sweet nothings and the heightened anticipation of seeing or meeting the other person whom we have been texting or chatting with. A big reality check for this girl is the guy’s admission that he has a pregnant ex-girlfriend whom he is to marry.

My advice is for the girl to rein in her feelings and let go. I think the guy is confused and indecisive which means that he is being unfair to both her and the pregnant ex-girlfriend. Both women are better off without this guy.

DJ: If ever this love story will have at least a chance, they need to personally talk. And my take is she has to leave it to the guy to make that move. He needs to step up. She already did her part by revealing her true feelings. Whether it’s something she shouldn’t have done is already beside the point. It already happened. Now if that means anything at all to this text dude, it’s time for him to take the lead and be the man. And if he can’t decently handle this situation even just up to this point, I don’t think he’ll be able to do that beyond this point.

M: I think one of the greatest regrets in life is when we are not able to tell the ones we love that we love them. But in her case that she knows that the situation is complicated, it is an altogether different matter. Don’t regret that you revealed your feelings but move on. Walk away. If the guy really loves her, he will choose to do what is right and not let her keep on hoping and hurting. As I always say, pain is inevitable but misery is optional. We all get hurt at one point in our lives but we can choose to heal, to be happy, to let go and let God.

DJ: Saying goodbye is one of the most painful ways of solving a problem. But sometimes, it’s necessary. She already loved and hoped. I suggest that she steps back, let this dude step-up and then take it from there. If nothing mature happens, I guess it’s time to move on. Nothing is still in vain. Love is a lot like life. Whether the experience is good or bad, they still have something in common: we learn.

(ssinglestalk@yahoo.com)