Sira-sira store: What’s new in the news?-A A +A
By Ober Khok
Friday, August 30, 2013
WHAT'S new in the world?
One love ends—I heard Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have separated—and another one blooms. Rumor has it that Sandra Bullock and George Clooney have eyes for each other. Who cares?
“Not true, uncle,” my niece, Joy, corrected me. “Sandra denied it.”
“Of course she will deny it. Don’t people do that? Their mouth is full of food but they will deny eating too much. Let me get another cup of coffee,” I told her.
One outlaw—so very kindly considered innocent until proven—has surrendered to the highest statesman of the nation.
“Uncle, napolis na si Janet Lim Napoles. She went to our president,” Pannon, my precocious nephew told me.
“And she has a custom-made bulletproof vest with her name on it, but someone misspelled it: Police,” my aunt, Tita Blitte said and laughed out loud as she sliced cheese for her sandwich.
“You are all very witty,” I told them sadly. I didn’t have a rejoinder.
“Uncle, what gets old as soon as it is born?” Pannon asked me.
“No. News. As soon as it is out, it becomes history.”
“Do you think Napoles will be history? I mean the money she allegedly forked over to her bank account?” Uncle Gustav asked me. He added more milk to his cereal and placed a handful of sliced fruits for “good health.”
“Don’t look at me, uncle. I’m not a political analyst, but I do want to help our president,” I replied.
“How will you do that?” my other niece, Krystal, asked. She reached out for the plate of sausages and ham.
“President PNoy wants to rename the Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF). I was thinking of naming it Benigno Aquino Budgetary Outlay Year-round or Baboy.”
“Why not call it Picat, uncle? That’s for PNoy’s Infrastructure Cooperative Action Team.”
“I have a better one: Bacon or Business Assistance Connected to Officials Nationwide,” said Illustracio, who just arrived for a morning visit.
“I heard about Liempo, but I have my own interpretation: Livelihood Employment Program Organization,” Joy said. “While we’re at it, how about Lechon or Legalizing Cheating On Nation?”
“That’s not as funny as my NGO or Negosyong Gamay Outreach,” Krystal said. “And how about Pata or Programang Angay Tan-awon og Ayo.”
“I heard of Panot or President Aquino’s Nationwide Outlay for Transparency.
The Cebuano version is Pahak or Peso Assistance Handled by Anonymous Kin.”
“That is clever,” Tita Blitte said. “I was thinking of Bar-B-Q or Budgetary Allocation for Reforms, Business and Quackery.”
“So what happens to Napoles now?” I asked as I sipped my coffee.
“Maybe she will be made state witness, although like Sandra Bullock someone will deny that this will happen,” Uncle Gustave said. He took a couple of ham slices and poured gravy over them.
He continued, “I want to call the PDAF as Ham or Hurot Ang Money.”
“Where do you guys get the idea?” I asked no one in particular.
“I’m sorry for Michael Douglas,” Joy said.
“I’m more sorry for Catherine Zeta-Jones,” Krystal told me.
“I’m sorry for the pig. Poor, helpless pig,” my aunt said.
“I’m sorry I have no access to PDAF,” my uncle said.
“I’m sorry I am poor although my taxes are big,” Illustracio said.
“I’m plain sorry,” I told everyone who had suddenly become busy with their breakfast.
I hope I don’t become history. So what’s new?
Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on August 31, 2013.