Singlestalk: Good enough?-A A +A
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Michelle: Rowena, 31 is a teacher, NBSB (no boyfriend since birth) and has a suitor who has work and is stable. They met at her best friend’s party. She is not sure though about his personal order because of his GGB (gulo-gulong buhay). He does not have a good relationship with his parents and he seems to be a happy-go-lucky type of guy. Her best friend though is encouraging her to go out with him. Rowena says this might be her “last trip.” What will she do?
Well, Rowena, you need not do anything so earth-shaking as to affect your life. Firstly, going out with a guy does not mean that you have to enter into a committed relationship with him. Going out on a date would actually be a good idea so you will get to know if, that is if you want to get to know him more.
DJ: Going out with him is a non-red flag. I must say family plays an important role on what this person went through and who he is.
It defines, to a certain extent, how he believes a healthy relationship is like. Right off the bat, a person creates a positive impression when he or she has an imperfect but healthy relationship with his parents and siblings. But while it’s cool to consider other people’s opinion about this dude’s life, it’s still better to get to know him before passing judgment on whether he’s a relationship caliber or not.
This isn’t really about him possibly being her last trip. This is largely about making the most of an opportunity to get to know a person who might just turn out to be different from what people say he is. What I can suggest is she can go out with him with a group, then take it from there.
M: There’s also nothing wrong with being NBSB and at 31, that’s still young and far from being on a “last trip.” Try going out with a group of friends so the “date” is not so threatening. You’ll never know a person unless you make the effort to get to know them. As the saying goes “don’t judge a book by its cover.” A person could appear to be happy go lucky but could have a serious outlook in life.
DJ: Here are factors she can consider to knock some helpful insights out of the park:
1. His values system. I’m not saying whether he’s happy-go-lucky or not. What’s important at least is for her to see who and what he values the most and what happiness means to him. It’s crucial to see their alignment to what happiness is to her and what and who she considers as important.
2. Conflict management. It’s hard to do this until they’ll have their first fight. But she can have a glimpse on certain group discussions about previous conflicts and their subsequent resolutions. A conflict is part of every relationship. How this dude deals with it is an important piece of getting to know him well.
3. His friends. That’s why it’s cool to go out at first as a group so she’ll see his dynamics with his friends firsthand. Like-minded people usually hang out together. The getting-to-know process becomes more spontaneous and genuine.
M: One’s state of life is a choice just as happiness is a choice. Even if a relationship that did not fare well at the start can improve as it progresses. In the same way a relationship that has a good start can end badly. Nothing is certain in this life.
An excerpt from a quote by Ralph Marston is apt: “One sure way to avoid mistakes is to avoid taking action. But in the long run, avoiding action would be the biggest mistake of all, for nothing would ever get done. If you're going to move forward, you're going to make some wrong turns along the way. Don't let that stop you from proceeding. There will be many times when you'll look back and wish you had done things differently.
Don't let that stop you from moving forward. Mistakes are bad enough on their own. Don't be so afraid of them that you avoid life itself.” So carpe diem! Seize the day. Live, love, learn, let go, let God.
DJ: I commend Rowena for at least not diving into the shallow end with him. But I’ll have to remind her that this is not yet the part to get all heavy and serious. Keep things light and funny. Stay grounded. If she uses more of her mind than her heart at this point in time, then she’ll have a shot!
Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on October 27, 2013.