Sira-sira store: Creatures in the electoral polls-A A +A
By Ober Khok
Friday, November 1, 2013
HOW was the barangay elections for you? For me, it was as hair-raising as The Ring and The Plague of the Zombies.
The undead—zombies, the living dead—are not the stuff of urban legends. They are not legends. They exist. Just read the news.
Zombies crawl out of their tombs when the election bell tolls. They haunt the schools where elections are held and even vote for a candidate suggested by supporters of a political candidate.
Call that a posthumous electoral exercise. Of course these zombie constituents of a barangay don’t have a ghost of a chance of ever getting a favor from winning politicians because they go back to the womb of the earth after they fulfill their nasty task. They just add to the numbers piled by flying voters.
These flying voters look normal. They walk, talk, eat, drink and they even have families. Their motto would probably be “the family that votes together, will stay together to vote again in another place.”
Don’t let their looks fool you. They are actually vampire bats wearing “human costumes,” with some of them coming close to looking like real people. After they suck the blood of their host (the politician), they fly to another region to find fresh source of food.
Another creature from the black lagoon is the “handyman.” He has big hands from years of opening and closing them. He could be a marvel of evolution. His favorite line is “handit t’me, man.”
The handyman likes to receive paper bills from rich benefactors. He does not repair anything, like your regular handyman, but he repairs to his home to enjoy his booty for the day. His motto is “one day millionaire, let’s drink to that.”
After he collects from one politician, he jumps to another victim. Sometimes local newspapers report that rival politicians have a bidding war—raising the ante—in their dream to get the precious vote from the handyman.
Some politicians wake up as from a nightmare, only to find out the nightmare is for real. The handyman they relied upon did not vote at all.
Losers during elections predictably cry foul till they look as pale as a ghost. At the rate election protests are filed, one would think no one loses in elections.
“They look pale, Ober, from fright because they see their political career going to the shelf or down the drain.”
“Uncle Ober, is the Cebuano for politics, puli tikas?” my precocious nephew Pannon asked.
“Puli tikas means to take one’s turn in the cheating business.”
“Ober, aren’t you supposed to write something about food?” my aunt, Tita Blitte asked me.
“You got me, but then aren’t some politicians supposed to put food on Juan’s table by creating opportunities?”
“You got me,” my aunt said.
Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on November 02, 2013.