Some things are better left unsaid

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By Evelyn R. Luab

Light Sunday

Saturday, April 26, 2014


SOME people complicate things by asking questions that cannot be easily answered. How can a question like this be answered: Why are you avoiding me? Have you stopped loving me?

The fact that someone is putting a great distance between him and you is already a sign that there is a dent in the relationship.

No man in love will avoid the woman who occupies his heart. A statement of this sort is also useless: “I find you very rude. You don’t answer my text messages and you completely ignore me.”

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Common sense will tell you that the guy is no longer interested, so why
demean yourself by running after someone who very obviously wants out of the situation?

Even wives can feel when a husband has been philandering. They don’t even ask: “Where have you been? Where did you have supper or why are you so late in coming home?”

A wise wife works to get her husband back by making herself the woman he once fell in love with and she tries to make their home a haven of peace, free from tension and filled with serenity. She will eventually
succeed in getting her husband back because not only did he marry her but because at the start of their relationship, she was the woman he fell in
love with.

Besides, no husband wants to break family ties, especially if there are children concerned.

For 12 years, a friend of mine single-handedly had to bring up her two children because her husband left her for another woman. For 12 years she concentrated on her job, took care of her children and became the chief
executive officer of a flourishing company. She didn’t go out on dates nor enjoyed developing hobbies. She recently called me to announce that her husband was at her door begging to come back home.

The children do not know whether they want him back and she herself does not wish to take him in. So where does that leave him? I had no suggestions to give her. Instead, I recommended her to approach
the Redemptorist counselors because they are better equipped to listen and to guide.

During wakes it is always better to just put a consoling arm around the shoulders of the bereaved spouse to let him or her know that you are there. Talk is not needed at the moment. Presence is. Stay with the person as long as you can. When it is time to go, don’t make a big fuss.

Slip away quietly and come back the next day to again sit quietly by his or her side. People who are confined in hospitals also do not need too many words. They are feeling the pain, the inconvenience and the need to be in the hospital. Drop in for a few minutes; leave whatever
fruits you bring, then take your leave.

You are not visiting a person who is well. A patient will always welcome
rest and quiet. Many times, a crisis occurs in your friend’s house and you are called on to help. Help is what you are asked to do, therefore just do exactly that.

Moralizing or “I told you so” is definitely not going to be welcome. Who needs to be told that she made a mistake or that she is to blame for the crisis? Since you can be objective, then help to plan the next moves. Do not dwell on pity for it will only aggravate the situation.

Let your hands and feet do the work and keep your lips sealed. True friends do not need words
of solace because we know who our true friends are. We know when words are just platitudes and when they are not. The people we respect and cherish know how we feel and love. They do not have to be convinced anymore of how we feel towards them.

True friends do not need to see each other often. They can be far from each other for many years but during the few times that life allows them to meet, it would seem as if nothing has really changed. They know that they can rely on each other’s fi delity, love and devotion.

So what do we need to learn? We need to refrain from letting go of so many words. Idle chatter never helps. It is good to be silent, to listen, to empathize and just be around to lend you support. A pillar of strength is not only needed but appreciated as well.

A poet once said that “the silence of the heart, hears, soothes and then resonates with kindness and love.” Let our hearts then do the talking not our lips.

Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on April 27, 2014.

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