Like a virgin

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Saturday, April 26, 2014


Michelle: A male reader, whom we shall name “Paul,” wrote that after a long, lonely 22 years, he finally found the love of his life. They are now over a month in their relationship. He admits that this is his first time being in a relationship and he is praying that she would be the last one. He describes her as a very positive person, charming, cute, friendly and outgoing while he says he is a recluse, negative, sulky and emo.

He says that they are complete opposites but that he loves everything about her. His problem is that since she is his first girlfriend and he is her third boyfriend, he is insecure about her exes. He wants to be better than her exes but he says that he ends up disappointing himself at the end of the day. He wants everything to be his and his girlfriend’s firsts but says that this is probably not the case for her since he is not really sure if she is still a virgin. He asks if virginity is an issue while disclosing that he is kind of conservative.

DJ: While I am not necessarily an advocate of premarital sex, I don’t think it’s fair to use the hymen as yardstick for someone’s acceptability as partner for life. It seems like our friend Paul has an oozing lack of confidence. It also seems like his being a newbie is more of a big deal to him than it is for her.

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He should give her enough credit for having the right reason to let him into her life. For sure she is aware of his weaknesses and his strengths. And granting that he’s indeed green, the girl still thinks he is a catch. I hope this should be enough to snap him out of his insecurity, and just relax, be confi dent and chill.

M: I am assuming that Paul is still a virgin and frankly, there is nothing wrong with that. Sadly, nowadays and maybe even long before, men are ridiculed if they are naïve in the ways of the world or sexually inexperienced.

I think it should never be an issue if one stands by one’s principles and acts with integrity.

What is not right is if we are judgmental. Our past is past. It is diffi cult to keep on looking back. I think the question is if Paul can accept that there have been other men before him in his girlfriend’s life. She has loved before and she loved again. There is no shame in falling, especially when one has made the effort to get back on one’s feet and start anew with a clean slate. A song best describes this transformation: “Create in me a clean heart. Put a new and right spirit within me. Cast
me not away from your presence but take not your holy spirit from me.”

DJ: If by chance she’s no longer a virgin, I think it’s more of a bummer than a deal breaker. I would understand if he wants to be her fi rst, if he wants to take her to some place where she’s never been. But past is past. All he needs is someone who loves him just the way he is. And she’s still human equally deserving of someone’s love, not some tight prize to be won.

M: Maybe it is rare these days to fi nd a virgin. But it is not impossible. Paul, I honor you for being chaste and for asking the question that others might find laughable, too idealistic or impractical. The fact that you want your relationship to grow strong, that you want to keep your direction to be a good Christian family in the future says a lot of what kind of man you are.

Your girlfriend is blessed (not just lucky) to have you. There are no guarantees that a relationship can be long lasting. But you can be assured that if you treat each other with respect, remain faithful, trustworthy and committed to each, nothing is impossible, especially when you have God in the center of your relationship.

DJ: It’s not her. It’s him. I hope Paul will see himself more as someone who is lovable. And I also wish he’ll see his girlfriend beyond her past. They’re two people blessed to be in such relationship. And both are worthy to love and be loved. (ssinglestalk@yahoo.com)

Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on April 27, 2014.

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