Security check-A A +A
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Michelle: Somebody asked this question: “Why do I get so jealous when my partner talks to other people?” I read an article wherein it answered that it’s probably a sign that you don’t have enough trust in your partner being faithful to you.
DJ: Times have changed. The market is so open. The challenge is no longer getting laid but avoiding getting laid. Balance is important in a relationship. The question here isn’t just how trust-worthy is one’s partner. Because the reason why the relationship is always hanging on for dear life with one’s bone-white hands gripping the rough side of a rock tower is really insecurity. Plus, it’s further magnified by the real or imagined threat of losing the object of one’s affection. It’s important to understand why she’s drumming her fingers on the table when he talks to other people. Is it preservation of the relationship? Or to seize control?
M: Yes, I agree. That lack of trust may be prompted by one of several factors: (1) You may feel insecure about your self-worth. In this case, either you’ve been raised to believe, or some part of your inner self feels, that you just don’t measure up. Because you don’t love yourself, you can’t believe that others would love you; and (2) You’re prone to cheating on your partner—maybe even have done so. Knowing what you’re capable of, you project that behavior onto your partner.
DJ: Yup. Jealous feelings can be frustrating, annoying, painful and even embarrassing. Elaborate loyalty tests such as checking cell phone messages, e-mails, following or spying often backfire and may provoke self-fulfilling prophecies. Yup, playing with vodoo dolls is also not recommended! Others also become withdrawn and resentful in a pattern that can undermine the valued relationship.
It is important that a person knows where these jealous feelings are coming from. Important questions to ask one’s self are: What behavior traits signal one’s insecurity? What happened in the past that made him or her insecure? What are his or her beliefs that account for one’s insecurity?
M: Reason No. 3 is also a possibility. You and your partner haven’t yet figured out how to establish safe boundaries within the relationship. Because you don’t know what’s permissible within the relationship and what’s not, you’re constantly on your toes.
DJ: This usually happens to couple who rarely make any emotional connection. A couple might find it helpful to agree that efforts will be made to introduce to each other any friend that becomes important in each of their lives. Communication and reassurances are often keys to establishing and maintaining trust. This also keeps those jagged bloody bits of glass from one’s partner’s forehead every time you see him or her.
M: And ultimately, reason No. 4 could be the cause: Your mate is cheating on you. Sometimes it’s not sexual but it often has to do with making emotional connections to others outside the relationship. And if that happens, it makes you vulnerable. Whatever the case, jealousy or any negative emotion in a relationship must be remedied fast. How? Make the change.
DJ: Oh well, attractions to other people can be a real threat to a relationship. Real honesty also means not withholding information that may threaten the security of the relationship. And this can even enhance their level of trust.
Handling life with integrity and living up to the values and standards one has for oneself is certainly something to feel very good about. You don’t want to always have a charming venue, a refined ambiance, crisp weather and a very pissed-off fiance, do you? Or his dad testing if his shotgun still works. Wink!
Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on May 04, 2014.