Undying crush for a friend

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Saturday, August 23, 2014


Dear Cindy,

My problem concerns my classmate who was my crush when I was in my sophomore year in high school. I kept my feelings for him a secret thinking that it was just a case of simple attraction that is normal for a teenager.

Now that I’m already graduating from high school, he has become a friend of mine. In class one day, we talked and I felt a sudden burst of feeling for him that urged me to test him to see if he really wanted to talk with me.

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I went to another chair when he left, but I was surprised that he returned and he sat beside me again. Since then we have felt a certain connection every time our eyes meet.

I was very happy, until a friend told me that my crush has a girlfriend. I hesitantly asked my crush about this, but he only smiled and said that he had no feelings for the girl.

Are those smiles just a sign of friendship? The more I stay away from him and try to avoid expecting that that he would love me back, the more I want to see him. Is this love or infatuation?

Carmie

****

Dear Carmie,

According to psychologists, the most basic human need is to love and be loved. There is no power greater than love. It can motivate people to do things for others they wouldn’t normally do.

The development of intimate feelings, from mere friendship into something more profound is one of the phenomena in human relationships wherein the people involved cannot totally understand what they are experiencing. There are many moments where the heart works without really giving a hint to the mind of what is really going on.

Carmie, you are really struggling to keep your feelings in line, that is, to be friends with him and to stay that way. However, your heart has something else in mind. You cannot deny that your heart is falling for your friend. From the way I see it, your friend has lived up to your expectations of being and staying as a friend. There is a need for you to realize and accept the fact that you do not have any hold over your friend’s heart, especially if he does love someone else.

The best thing for you to do is to take things easy and work within the confines of reality. Don’t push things too far. It is best to remain a friend to him, and a friend better than before, at that.

Let’s hope he will notice your goodness and, who knows, he might turn to you and realize that love had been waiting for him all the time. If not, surely God has other plans for you. Let His will be done and be certain He has another surprises in life for you. Pray for perseverance and a sincere heart.

God Bless,
Cindy

****

Proper closure

Dear Dr. Dana,

My marriage to a man I once loved was a total failure. For years I exerted so much effort to save it. I failed. It seemed I could not make it alone. I had a husband who was irresponsible and had uncontrollable vices: a womanizer, a gambler and an alcoholic. So I left him, taking with me our two children.

After four years of being alone I found myself attracted to a man. This man is also separated from his wife and has two kids. After two months of being together, he sort of faded away when I didn’t give to his physical advances. His absence, however, has made me realize that I think I love him.

I think I miss him more than the way I missed my husband when I left him. Could this be love, real love now?

Lenie

****

Dear Lenie,

I’m glad you had the good sense to resist his advances. Maybe all he needed was an outlet for his physical longings for you. Try to be objective. This new relationship is doomed from the start because you are still married to your husband, even if you’ve left him already. And this guy is only separated from his wife and children. Assuming that he comes back and renews his vow of love for you, what is the most that you can expect from this relationship?

Lenie, before embarking on another chapter in your life, have you considered tying up the loose ends of the previous one—that of the father of your children. I fully agree that you deserve another chance at love but first cleanly cut the matters with your husband. Once and for all settle this matter first before you move on.

If reconcilement is no longer an option, then get an annulment, both state and church, if applicable. How do your children view the arrangement you presently maintain with their father? Remember that in a broken, or even a dissolved marriage, the children have as much to lose—if not more than the husband and wife. It is said that it takes two to make a marriage but it takes only one to break it.

You know, while I read your letter, it dawned on me that it seemed your spouse was the one and only culprit for the break-up of your marriage. What was your role in it? It might be a sound idea to ponder on these things.
Doing so will enrich you enough to assure yourself that love is truly sweeter the second time around.

You should spend more time with your children. Go out of town with them during vacations, it doesn’t have to be those fancy and expensive places.

Choose some place where you can do things together so that you can bond for longer periods of time. And pray together so that God could be the center of all things.

Very truly yours,
Dr. Dana R. Sesante

ruiz_derma@yahoo.com

Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on August 24, 2014.

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