No approved therapeutic claim

LET me warn you that this article has no approved therapeutic importance. If after reading this article you get cured of a lingering condition, it’s your faith that healed you. Let me say it again, your faith healed you.

Lorenzo Niñal

Insoymada

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I might have made some indirect claims in the past that this column cures crippling maladies affecting humanity, like extreme boredom and acute lack of sense of humor, but all those claims have not been approved by any official approval-giving body, such as the Foot and Diaphragm Administration (FDA).

This lack of official approval, however, has not stopped me from investing in the multi-billion-peso food-and-dietary supplement industry in the country and using my column to promote my products. Believe me when I say your health is my concern. Let me say it again, your health, my concern.

For this week, I am promoting a dietary supplement that is proven and tested to make you stay happy and healthy. Here’s what a satisfied client of mine has to say about my product, the Power Tab Plus:

“Ako si Ester Flordelisa, taga-Talisay. Sa una nagduda gyud ko aning mga dietary supplement kay murag kita ray giilad. Pero pagkakita nako sa among silingan nga naayo sa iyang nuka-nuka, ako na lang gisuwayan ang Power Tab Plus. Karon kaluoy sa Ginoo wala na koy gipamati sa lawas ug ningbalik na ang akong regla. Epektibo gayud ang Power Tab Plus.” NO APPROVED THERAPEUTIC CLAIM.

What makes Power Tab Plus effective? Here’s the answer: This dietary supplement packs all health benefits in one tablet! You get vitamins, minerals, herbs and malunggay at one go. Isn’t that amazing? Let’s discuss each of these health benefits.

Vitamins. The word “vitamin” was coined in 1912 by Polish chemist Casimir Funk. It’s a combination of “vita,” which is Latin for “life,” and “amine,” which when rearranged reads “anime,” a Japanese style of doing motion-picture animation. Experts are still baffled at how Japanese filmmakers got themselves involved in the vitamin business in Poland in 1912. NO APPROVED THERAPEUTIC CLAIM.

Minerals. There are over 4,900 known mineral species in the world; 4,660 of these have been approved by the International Mineralogical Association. The silicate minerals compose over 90 percent of the Earth's crust. The extraction of valuable minerals or other geological materials from the earth is called mining. Although this is reliable Wikipedia information about minerals, it has NO APPROVED THERAPEUTIC CLAIM.

Herbs. “Herb” comes from “herba,” the Latin word for “grass.” The word is pronounced with or without the “h”. It is a word borrowed into English from French. The “h” sound had been lost in Latin and was not pronounced in French and other Romance languages that are descended from Latin.

I hope this puts an end to the “herb” and “erb” debate among you guys, because both pronunciations are correct, although I still go for “erb”. NO APPROVED THERAPEUTIC CLAIM.

Malunggay. Moringa Oleifera, or malunggay, is a popular plant known for its nutritional value and for its ability to cure a speech defect called the monotone.

To prove that their product works, malunggay supporters hired Sen. Chiz “Monotone” Escudero as endorser. Escudero is now getting more vocal variety into his speech by saying the word “malunggay” out loud when he’s happy, “malunggay” softly when he’s sad and “malunggay” pa-cute when he’s talk-show guesting. NO APPROVED THERAPEUTIC CLAIM.

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