Jesuit jokes

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Saturday, March 23, 2013


(Election of the first Jesuit pope shoved the Society of Jesus into the headlines. Founded in 1543 by St. Ignatius of Loyola, St. Francis Xavier and four others, Jesuits today work in Cebu. They’re in 111 countries, serving as educators to scientists.

(Padre Federico Faura, SJ, organized the first Philippine weather observatory. Joaquin Villalonga, SJ, served lepers in Culion and was a Ramon Magsaysay Awardee. Filipino historian Horacio de la Costa, SJ, became the first Filipino superior of Jesuits in the Philippines. These uncorked a torrent of “Jesuit jokes.” Read on-–JLM)

Slow Learner: A mother explained that her son wanted to become a priest. What did this require? “If he wants to become a diocesan priest, he’ll study for eight years," the Jesuit said. He’ll study 10 years as Franciscan. A Jesuit needs 14 years. “Sign him up for that last one, Father,“ she said. “He’s a little slow!”

Mailed Reply: The Franciscan and Dominican couldn’t agree whose order was tops. They asked God who seemed puzzled. A few days later, God wrote: “My sons, please stop bickering about trivial matters. Both orders are equally good in my eyes. Sincerely, God, SJ.”

Recipe for Action: The Franciscan, Dominican, and Jesuit were conversing when the lights went out. "Consider the debt we owe to our sister, the light,” the Franciscan exclaimed. The Dominican added: “Let us contemplate the difference between light and darkness.”

The Jesuit went to the basement, found the fuse box, and reset the breaker.

Right Question: A Franciscan and a Jesuit found it difficult to pray without a cigarette. They sought permission from their superiors to smoke. The Franciscan came back downcast. “I asked if I could smoke while I prayed, but he said ‘no.’” The Jesuit smiled. “I asked if I could pray while I smoked." He replied: “Of course.’”

A Vision: A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along when an apparition of the Holy Family appeared. The Franciscan was awed by God born in poverty. The Dominican adored reflection of the Trinity in the Holy Family. The Jesuit put his arm around Joseph’s shoulder, and asked:

“Have you thought where to send him to school?”

Sharing: A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, after which pie was served. There were two pieces, one small and the other large. The Jesuit reached and took the larger piece for himself. “St. Francis always taught us to take the leaner piece,” the Franciscan remonstrated. “And so you have it,” the Jesuit replied.

Final Wish: A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were in the same hospice, and all were near death. The Angel of Death appeared and said each could have a final request before accompanying them from this world. The Dominican asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant, the face of Christ appeared before him. He sighed. He could die without regrets. The Franciscan asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus; Christ appeared and invited him, like Thomas, to examine his wounds. The dying priest wept and was content. The Angel of Death asked the Jesuit for his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied, “I’d like a second opinion.”

Gifts: Walking on heaven’s ramparts, God asked his three friends what they’d like for their men. “Give them the spirit of poverty, Lord,” St. Francis of Assissi asked. St. Dominic asked that eloquence be granted to members of the Order of Preachers. “And you Ignatius? What do you want for the Jesuits?” God asked. “If it is okay with you Lord, just leave them alone. They can take care of themselves.”

Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on March 24, 2013.

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