Book of lists

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Thursday, May 15, 2014


TURNS out that there's a multitude of lists emerging from unlikely places. That the infamous Napolist is actually just the tip of the iceberg, and what lurks beneath is the bulk and bulwark of mind-blowing surprises. Ex-senator Panfilo Lacson promised Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago she's in for a life's surprise, and the latter hits back that “Pinky Lacson” appears in her yet undisclosed roster of closet gays in public service.

So we figured we do a little research and dig these lists. You go over social networks, and you'll see people addicted to adjectives like “mind-blowing,” “life-threatening,” “game-changing,” “terrible twist,” “eye-popping,” “bloody horrible,” etc. We must have been at the dullest cusp in history that we need things in their extremist nature to make life exciting. So here are the lists that will soon see light in the exciting tunnel called the Philippine Senate:

Public officials with the most number of paramours. Our source says the top man in the list has around 267 grandchildren, 154 great grandchildren. The people and paper trail involved in the research of this list led to a dizzying labyrinth with multiple dead-ends. Some of the researchers actually ended up in mental asylums before the closure of the investigation.

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Senators with the severest tendencies to plagiarize. Hands down, who goes viral in matters of copy-pasting? Your guess is as good as mine. The plus thing about this is that the good senator actually believes that copying is the most charitable act imaginable. It flatters the original. And by some stroke of extreme logic, the beloved senator thinks that the original, in fact, is unfaithful to the plagiarist.

Lawmakers who were Janet's exes. There are only three people in the list, and they came in variations of names such as “Sexy, Tanda and Taba,” “Manyak One, Manyak Two and Manyak Three,” “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” Some of these we deem unprintable, so you can send me message if you want a list of these crazy monickers.

Public officials who eat fertilizers for breakfast. The catch in this list is a scientific discovery that fertilizers are perfect substitutes for potency pills. The list shows hundreds of government officials with blatant insertions in their annual budgets for fertilizer purchases. Some are reportedly starting to snore like swines, the first wives complained.

Congressmen who wear lingerie. In a society that embraces the LGBT community, there may be nothing wrong about it. The problem is when these lawmakers divert typhoon relief funds to buy lacy underwear. It's simply a clear illustration of an utter lack of sympathy.

These are just some of the lists that are circulating like murder plots in the underworld. They come from trustworthy sources, mind you, and they possess the legitimacy of a Wikileaks expose or a Snowden revelation. They are not meant to blow squid ink at a time in our national history when we need clarity the most.

The Department of Justice has been at the forefront of securing the affidavits of witnesses in this regard. This is a welcome development in our administration's fight against corruption and scalawags in public service. We have the “straight path” in sight and the least we can do is seize it like it's a matter of life and death.

At no other time in all the administrations that our country ever had that we have this kind of far-reaching and thorough campaign in our fight for good governance.

Meanwhile, let me finish my burger so I can have my peace.

Published in the Sun.Star Cebu newspaper on May 16, 2014.

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