A higher power

I HAVE lost weight. My 36 waistline two years ago has shrunk to 32. I had to buy a new set of clothes because my old clothes look like sacks when I wear them now. People have commented that I have lost weight. In fact I am so tired of hearing people tell me I have lost weight.

I want to scream, oo nga I lost weight. Do me a favor, if you know me and we meet, please do not mention my weight loss. I have heard it so many times and it has become tedious. Some even have ventured into making up stories that am sick.

Well, I have news for you. I did several tests and consulted doctors and they say I am doing well. Thank God for that. So the physical side of things has been ruled out. But the question remains. Why did I lose weight?

I lost weight because I went through something. Some people call it a mid-life crisis, others call it "the dark night of the soul." Whatever it is, I went through it and it is not a pleasant thing. I would rather that I skip that part not because it is painful because it really was but simply because it really is too hard to explain, it is one of those things that one has to go through in order to fully understand what it truly is. (see how long that sentence was!)

Rather let me share with you what the beginning was and the lessons I am still learning. I cannot say that I have finally come out of it but I can say I am emerging from it.

It started with a prayer. I was asking God what was happening and a small voice answered: Because I want you back. And that started the process.
A rather painful and confusing experience one can say. I went through it, I still am actually but it is much better now.

Today I am confronted with a simple task. To obey God. Now that is a difficult thing to do. I never thought that obeying God would be so difficult. I am not talking about just not sinning( because I still do!) but obeying God based on faith. If you want a challenge in life, a challenge worth taking, that would be it. To take God's word for what it is and just simply believe Him. To trust Him and yes to obey Him.

One cannot obey God when one cannot trust God. One cannot trust God if one does not have faith in Him. Everything starts with faith and I must admit it was really very difficult. It still is. Again I am not talking about faith that makes us go to mass or pray every day or every night. I am talking about a faith that is so strong that can withstand all the arrows of deceit and lies, the slings of doubt and confusion and the shroud and shadow of despair.

It is very easy to have faith when all is going well. When all things are going well it is very easy to say Praise God and God is good. But it is an entirely different thing when all that you see is confusion and darkness and doubt. When you are staring at the abyss, the darkness looms like some sinister monster waiting to devour you. Can you say Praise God and God is good? Well that is exactly the time when you say Praise God.

In this journey of mine I have said "Glory, honor and praise to you Lord Jesus Christ" so many times I have literally lost count. In my confusion, in my pain, in my triumph I have uttered these words so many times. It is in times of darkness that one speaks of light. It has not been easy.
I have learned that when one tries to change the chains of habit try to shackle you.

Your ego goes on overdrive to overwhelm you. It uses every weapon to survive. And if you are not careful you get overpowered, you get deceived. But in truth one's ego is just like a bully. One does not fight the ego, one accepts it for what it is. You really do not have to listen to it. Of course it will scream and shout but eventually if you do not listen to it, it will die down and be put in its place. But that is easier said than done. But it can be done.
But not by you alone.

God heals you if you ask for His help. When you cast away all your worries and fears and anxieties to Him, He will carry you through. You need not do anything, You just have to believe, to trust and to obey. God only asks that you obey Him. Why? In one of my prayers again there was this small voice that said: In obeying will you find rest. God knows exactly what you need or want. We need not ask but He allows us to ask because in doing so we accept that we are helpless without Him. In asking, we get down on our knees and in humility, we ask.

Two years ago that voice told me because I want you back. Have I gone back? I cannot fully say that I have fully gone back to Him because that is really impossible if I do it on my own. But If I rely, if I trust and obey God, I know that one day, someday, I will.

Glory, honor and praise to God. And yes God is indeed good, all the time!