At wit's end

I AM at wit's end.

I am tired of always having something go wrong. It's been happening quite often that I am beginning to assume I always have something totally evil coming at me every day and all that I will be able to say to myself is "I told you so!"

Yes, you do get used to these things happening over and over. Usually, you learn to take things in a stride. You learn not to sigh and at some point, you just stop complaining. We learn to adjust to the situation; all previous similar experiences become lessons that help us survive all future onslaughts. At this point you begin to think that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You begin to think that at least the present challenge isn't as bad as the last. Yes, our mind is a powerful tool and our mind will always have defense mechanisms ready to defend our psyche from traumatic experiences.

Well, that's until you reach a moment of weakness. That's when the littlest of things start to matter, when a pebble in your shoe feels like a boulder. Yes, the mind is powerful but there is a point where it tires out and the defenses come down. After all, we are only human.

And we all go through this. Right? I would panic just thinking that it only happens to me. Hehe.

I am the type of person who always tries to find a logical explanation for everything that happens. If I am faced with a challenge, I always reason my way into feeling better about the problem I have. I guess one can say that I always try to find an answer to all questions so I can console myself. Most of the time it works and I can say I have weathered a lot of storms because of it; but still, there are times when I just feel exasperated. Sometimes I just wanna surrender and wallow in self-pity.

Is this wrong? Personally, I don't think so. Feelings of inadequacy help us measure future efforts so that we are up to the task at hand. Life is both yin and yang. We have to feel the good with the bad, the happy and the sad to have a full experience. It tempers our will to survive and molds our personality. Of course there are other factors that make us who we are but it is a fact that experiences help make us unique individuals.

I have always struggled with my health and my weight. After my diagnosis of colon cancer in 2007, I have had quite a number of health issues that sent my life into a spiral and even landed me in the ICU for a few days. I have been plagued with many illnesses that there are quite a few times when I would beg in prayer to please heal me completely. Believe me, I have been bellyaching to God quite often the past five years! Still I am plagued with health challenges. Sigh.

I heal really slow. It makes me feel old, sometimes, even ancient. In the midst of all my health issues, I am trying to find the message. I know there is a lesson somewhere in these recurring challenges. What did I miss? What about you, what did you miss in your parallel recurring challenges? There must be something we are missing!

Have you really learned from previous experiences? When I think about my issues I can say that I have learned from my experiences BUT I didn't really do everything that I know I should do to prevent relapses. Somewhere I read that unpleasant things will keep happening if you keep making the same mistakes over and over. Hmmm. I can say that I know the lesson I needed to learn but I only half-heartedly followed what it taught me. You can say that I am in half-denial. In my head, I am thinking that there has got to be a way to get around the situation; that I could beat the system. Yeah right. And then I lament about why things keep happening to me!

Once you have learned your lesson, follow and apply to the rest of your life completely. It is not easy but you have to do it. I am trying to do it now and I can see improvements! Now I am wishing that I had done it much, much earlier. It is right what they say, youth is really wasted on the young. Wisdom comes with years of experience. I thought I was invincible then, look how frequently incapacitated I am now!

Of course, there is always a possibility that things will go wrong even when you've applied all that you've learned. This happens to me too. These are the moments when you huff and puff, blow your top, stomp your feet and say WTH, WTF and "you've got to be freakin' kidding me!" My friend, I know this. Very well. When all's been said and done, you still cry:"What more do you want from me?" Fling your arms and vigorously shake your head. Awwww. So what now?

I don't really know for sure. Maybe, it's a test of patience and endurance. You may have been going about your life in a frenzy, wanting things done in a snap of a finger that you are starting to miss out on the really good stuff that matters in life. Maybe you are being forced to slow down so that you can have time to appreciate the people around you and the beauty that surround you. Or, the universe is just intentionally pissing you off to see how far you'll go to achieve a goal. Sometimes road blocks are there not to discourage you but to help you realize how badly you want something. Could it also be that it’s teaching you that there's a considerable chunk of life that you cannot control so you have to learn to accept it and just let go. What do you think?

I have to admit that there are times when I thought that reasoning out your problems is for sissies. Sometimes I think that this mental exercise is only for losers and that the winners always fighting to the death. I know there will be people who would agree. A part of me (tiny one) does. BUT I have to say, this line of thinking has saved me from a lot of heartache and failures. It has helped me manage discouragement and depression from always being sick and from feeling incompetent. Why am I not afraid to admit it? Because I know I am not alone. At some point, you have been in my shoes. Maybe we are even on the same boat now! Doesn't it feel good to know that you are not in this alone and that there are actually others who have gone through it and survived?

Take a deep breath and smile. Say to yourself: I. Can. Do. This.

You will. : )

Happy Sunday Everyone!