Goodbye to the King

WELL, the King of Comedy is dead. I’ve been saying a prayer for him for about a month now.

I had wanted him to live a couple more years. I have never met him but I would see him eating at Hizon’s, an old eating place that my Mom’s family frequents for its ensaymada and sweetened camote. And yes, both times I saw him, he wore white. He seemed like a shy and private person, choosing to sit in one quiet corner, not drawing much attention to himself. And yet, he has a ready smile for anyone who would muster enough guts to say hi.

I wasn’t one of them. I was too much in awe of him to even meet his gaze. I’m not worthy!

Now I wish I’d have at least a picture taken with him.

When I heard he was sick, I was sad. He was like an uncle I never met but adored from afar.

Like most people, I grew up watching him. My first memories of him were Sunday nights watching him and Nida Blanca in John en Marsha. I even watched the movies! Suffice to say, you get the feeling why he is the King of Comedy. His jokes may seem simple and you’ve probably heard it before but when it is Dolphy who delivers the lines, you just end up laughing your heart out! There is simply no one like him!

Just when I thought comedy was all he could do, I find Ang Tatay kong Nanay. I do not remember how I ended up watching the movie but I was in for a surprise when I saw it! I was moved to tears by his acting and I remember that experience like it happened yesterday!

Ang “Tatay Kong Nanay” had the laughter and the tears as it presented a rather controversial theme to the Filipino public. For the first time, I saw a gay character with a heart. He may seem just like any stereotypical gay character in Philippine movies back in the 1970s, loud and overly made up but the movie was smart enough to show off the character’s other facets.

Dolphy breathe life into his character and from that time on, I saw a gay person as a person with feelings and responsibilities, just like any other adult person. I was eight years old.

He was amazing in that film. A.Ma.Zing. And to realize that he is gone and that I will never see another movie like that again makes me sad. It has been four days since he died but people are still mourning. I stare at the television as the pale face of Zsa Zsa spoke and sang her semi-goodbyes. Over and over. It must be hard to see your loved one so full of life in films and clips and know for a fact that he is gone. Do the media people realize that what they are doing is torture? Maybe the family needs to see him alive and well to accept that he is dead and gone.

Mang Dolphy is worth all the adulation, love and respect that the Philippines is giving him. In his death, I feel disappointed that he is not a National Artist. He should be because he truly deserves it. He has made a whole nation laugh and cry and laugh again so many times you know he has helped you make it through some tough times! Now that he’s gone I just feel that awarding him the National Artist award should they give it to him, may have come too late.

I, on the other hand, just feel sad. Dolphy’s death has resurrected melancholic thoughts about friends and family who have died. It brings around thoughts of my father, the deaths of my friends and a friend’s father too. So lately, I’ve been missing my Papa. Argh. Dealing with the palpable space he has left in my life is always difficult. Like anybody has ever lost anyone for good, I try everyday to fill that stupid, empty space that reminds me that my heart is broken and that the broken heart is in the shape of my Dad. Waaaaaaa.

One thing I have a realized about deaths of a loved one is that you never get over it. We just get better at realizing that they’re no longer there. However, you will find days when all you want is to see his face, sometimes even if he comes as a zombie, as long as he’s there. There will be moments when you know that all you need to make you feel better is to hold his hand or hug him or just one kiss from him. Oh my heartache, just saying all these breaks my heart and makes me miss my Pa so much. See what I mean? Arrgh.

People who truly love you for who you are and what you are even when you’re not exactly the easiest person to love just steal your heart away. The funny thing is you never really fully realize this until their gone. You realize you could have done more for them but they’re no longer there.

It always feels that you haven’t done enough but you have. It was all that you could have done in the time you were with them. I am sure they appreciate it and that they love you for it. I guess it is important for you to accept it and to forgive yourself for it too. Move on you will, when time comes. Yes they will always be remembered especially when you are exceptionally happy or profoundly sad but only because both of you have shared both extremes of feelings together and survived it. It just feels “not the same” without them. And we all have to accept that. In time we will be able to do so.

Life goes on. Even with one less person. Even when things will never be the same. Even when it changes how things are forever. You just have to go on. We all have to go on. To be strong and show that we have learned from this devastating blow we call losing a loved one is one of life’s biggest challenges. No one can ever stop us to mourn and miss them, only we can truly say we are ready to move on and celebrate life the way those who have come before us, did.

Have a Happy Sunday! :)