“I’M FINE”, an immediate answer to the question, “how are you?”. But how often did you ever mean them? Are we really telling the truth or are we just hiding the reality behind every smile? We are living in this world as actors in our own telenovela, we tend to hide our emotion with two masks in the opera.
I am a graduating student - stressed, anxious, unwell and hesitant. Every time my folks ask me a question, “how’s life?” I immediately answer, “it’s fine, I’m fine”. I say I’m fine because it was expected to me, they expected me to be strong and cheerful person but to be honest every time I went home from school I found myself crying in the corner of the room asking, ‘when do all these stressful things going end’?
I say I’m fine and did not miss anyone even If I want to scream that I’m longing for someone. I say I’m fine and did not feel any pressure in front of the panelist while defending on something. I say I’m fine even I struggled every day with my sweaty palm. I say I’m fine even I do not know the happy ending of my own story. I say I’m fine even if I’m not.
I hide my feeling with ‘I’m fine’ because how often does the other person really want to know and even if they do, they will just certainly stop with that question and don’t mean they want to know the depth of your feelings every single time they ask.
I say I’m fine because maybe if I say it often enough, I might start to feel a little bit fine. I say I’m fine because I wish I was, because I want to be, I want to believe that someday I can be. I say I’m fine because I don’t want to feel nothing for others.
That’s the beauty of ‘I’m fine.’ You can say you’re fine because no one can see that you’re not. If I’m having an eyebags from crying, it would be harder to hide, but I’m able to masquerade as a happy person. When you ask, I’ll probably keep saying I’m fine regardless of how I feel.
I’m probably still going to smile and say I’m fine if you ask me how I am. (Christine L. Evalaroza)
Published in the SunStar Davao newspaper on September 24, 2017.
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