HITS me like a bomb at any time of the day and wakes me up in the middle of night, crying like a child. My husband or child wakes me up, comforts me and goes back to sleep. I lay in the dark, with wet eyes now wide open and thoughts of despair fill my mind. Slowly and quietly, I get up from bed so as not to awake my partner and go to the bathroom, my private sanctuary, where I am free to cry without bothering anyone. At times, it creeps slowly and quietly... like a snake on a hunt.
This thing called GRIEF, this raw, unbearable pain, had attached itself to my soul. Like cancer, it was slowly killing my very being.
It has been two years since my beloved father, Antonio Monteverde Garcia, a caring brother, a devoted and loving husband, father, father-in-law and grandfather, left us. Tonygars, as he was fondly called by his golf buddies, fellow Rotarians and co-sabungeros, had finally raised his flag after his 13-year battle with prostate cancer. He had been bedridden at home for 8 months after a bout of pneumonia which he acquired during a checkup in Davao Doctors Hospital.
A few days ago, I asked my mom who, for the past two years, has been coping by keeping herself very busy with work and travel plans, how she would describe GRIEF.
In her own words, this is what she said, "Grief is a manifestation of extreme sorrow that devastates an individual because of the loss of a loved one. For how long, there is no telling. There are times you feel lonely thinking about your departed beloved, memories of the happy times keep coming back. Spending 52 years together is not easy to forget. Trying to move on but the pain is always there. There is no limit to grieving, they say time heals, maybe. At the late stage of our life, losing your partner is a terrible blow. Your children have their own family to take care of and they have accepted the loss of their father whom they miss so much. When your partner leaves, the realization of having to live alone for the rest of your life is so painful and lonely. You have to keep praying and hope that someday, you'll be together again."
Grief, according to Wikipedia, is a natural response and reaction to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when someone or something the individual loves is taken away. The grief associated with death is familiar to most people, but individuals grieve in connection with a variety of losses throughout their lives, such as unemployment, ill health, the end of a relationship or the death of a pet.
At a certain point in one's life, every living person in this world undergoes grief. No one is ever spared of this deep anguish.
How do we cope? Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a famous psychiatrist who did a comprehensive research on grief, developed the most famous model of the different emotional stages of grief. This grieving process is not the same for everyone and every step of the process is natural and healthy. However, it is important that we don't get stuck in one stage for a long period of time otherwise it becomes unhealthy, destructive and dangerous. We should always keep moving forward until we achieve our goal... the acceptance of our loss.
When we lose a loved one, whether expectedly or unexpectedly, our first reaction to our loss is shock and denial. We go into shock to protect ourselves emotionally from the overwhelming feeling of anguish because our minds refuse to believe what our minds know to be true. This is our way of protecting ourselves from losing our minds. During the first few months, all our thoughts are focused on our loss and nothing else. And because of this, we go thru our daily tasks like a robot. Looking back, it felt like I was floating above and looking down at myself as if I were someone else.
Despair and depression come next and is the longest and most painful part of the process. This is the stage where we finally come to terms with the reality of our loss and involves a wide range of irrational feelings and behaviors. After my father's death, just like anyone who has undergone a loss of a loved one, I was inconsolable. I didn't want my friends and loved ones to share my pain and witness what I was going thru. I wanted to be alone in my grief, so I left. I tried to escape by leaving for the US, praying that I will not be reminded of my dad with every little thing I do or see. It followed me... there was just no escape.
Acceptance and recovery is the last stage and the ultimate goal of grief. In this stage, we begin to function normally and show interest in our daily activities. Time does heal and although one never gets over a loss, we are able to think of our loved one without despair but with fond memories knowing that they are still with us, in our hearts where they will always stay, wherever we may be.