Monday, March 31, 2008 Cayading: When children squabble, parents best not intervene By Trinidad Cayading Parenting Pinoy
THIS week, I happened to encounter one of my friends who is now an avid reader of this column. She is very concern about her growing up kids. I am publishing some of her questions and sharing for your information and perusal.
Question: Should I punish my boys -- aged 12, 9, and 7 -- when they speak very mean to one another? They say things like "You're stupid," "You're a baby," "I wish you weren't my brother," and "I hate you." Other than this they are very good boys who do well in school. Their teachers say they are exceptionally kind and respectful to other students. Anyway, should I punish them when they disrespect one another or just send them away where I can't hear it (which is what I've been doing)?
Answer: If the disrespect they sometimes show to one another was part of a broader pattern of misbehavior that included violent behavior toward adults, demands for instant gratification, disobedience, and problems at school, I would most definitely recommend an assertive course of action. In the absence of other problems, however, I'd let this one go.
When parents get involved in sibling conflict, they almost always identify one child as villain and the other as victim. The villain receives punishment of one sort or another, which increases his determination to "get back" at the victim. The victim is rewarded for victim behavior, which causes him to look for further opportunities to lure his sibling into a clash. In other words, parent involvement in sibling conflict almost always makes the problem worse.
At most, I would tell the boys that when their squabbling causes your head ache, you will sit both (or all three) of the perpetrators in chairs in separate rooms for one-half hour, during which time they would do well to reflect how they can help bring about world peace.
Well, parents out there, I wish you learned something from this experience. You are encouraged to forward through this column whatever questions, issues and concerns you wish to know about your role as parents, guardians, and/or counselors or share that wonderful experience you encountered as responsible parent to your children.
