Monday, June 30, 2008 Cayading: Behavior that pays off By Trinidad Cayading Parenting Pinoy
THE extensive research in human behavior over the past half century has shown conclusively that we do the things we do, because we get something for doing it.
Any behavior that occurs repeatedly is a behavior that pays off. This is true for adults and children. Many adults go to work each day. Every week or two, this behavior pays off with a paycheck. Many days, this behavior pays off with other people (hopefully the boss) expressing appreciation for a job well done.
For children, the many behaviors they do also have payoffs. The payoff for watching TV is enjoying the TV program. The payoff for fighting over a toy may be getting the toy, the response of the other child, or the attention of an adult. The payoff for helping mom set the table should be a smile and words of appreciation from mom.
Whatever happens after the behavior (the payoff) is called the consequence. There are two types of consequences:
1. Negative consequences: The child will behave in a way to avoid or terminate something unpleasant like being yelled at, having things taken away, or getting a spanking.
2. Positive consequences: The child will behave in a way to earn something desirable like attention from their parent, use of a toy, a treat, etc.
For example, if we nag our child long and loud enough about their messy room, they clean their room. So why did the child clean the room, to avoid (or delay) more nagging? We could also say to our child, "When you pick up the toys in your room, we can play a special game together." Hopefully the child will clean the room so they can play the game. In this case, the child is getting something, the opportunity to be with and play with their parent.
The behavior, cleaning their room, was the same in both cases, but in the first case it was done to avoid nagging, and in the second case, it was done to get to play with mom or dad. Well, the room got clean, so is there a difference? Yes, and its HUGE.
With negative consequences, the child behaves to avoid something. Several bad things happen.
1. He only does the minimum amount to prevent the unpleasant consequence.
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior (and other positive behaviors) is reduced.
3. The parent's positive influence is reduced.
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the unpleasant consequence.
With positive consequences, the child behaves to get something. Several good things happen.
1. He does the amount needed to earn the good reward, and often gives extra discretionary effort.
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior increases.
3. The parent's positive influence is increased
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the enjoyable reward.
5. The behavior will generalize to other behaviors. The child will become creative looking for good things to do, even in totally unrelated areas.
6. Everyone is happier!
In our homes, we need our children to do many things. When things aren't going well, we do lots of nagging, yelling, criticizing and sometimes spanking. We react to our children's inappropriate behaviors. When we do this, we are using negative consequences. It works for a while, but in the long run, it only gets worse and worse.
What we need to do is be pro-active - to plan ahead and make sure we provide positive consequences for appropriate behavior. When we do this, thing get better and better.
When we work at a job, we get paid with money. The money has no intrinsic value. We can't provide any basic needs with the actual currency. BUT, we can trade the money for many things of great value at any store. In this case, the tokens are real money. Think about it, we will all put in a full day of work for a few pieces of paper (especially if they have P100 on them).
When your children do what they should be doing, they earn tickets. The tickets are like money that can be exchanged for valuable privileges and prizes that you determine. This takes a little more work up front, but in the long run it is much easier. Everyone is happier and you get all the benefits of using positive consequences. Your children actually choose to do the things they need to do.
In addition to the standard it teaches, you how to stop fighting and arguing using the tickets as minor punishment. This is much better than lecturing and yelling because it avoids prolonged negative interactions. It is called a "response cost."
If a child chooses to respond to a difficult situation with a sibling by yelling, then it costs the child a ticket. The child knows this in advance, and so is motivated to resolve the situation with out fighting or arguing. It will also teach you how to use natural consequences, which are very effective teachers.
Another significant behavioral principle is talking to children with positive language. This means that we should tell children what they are supposed to do, rather than what they are to not do. Per behavior scientist, Dr. Glenn Latham, "This may seem like a little thing, but it is a powerfully important thing to tell children what they are supposed to do."
Finally, it gives you ideas and tips to make your home a happy place. What the research shows is that families that have many pleasant, positive interactions (and few negative interactions) with each other have a low occurrence of inappropriate behavior in the younger years, and greatly increased odds of avoiding serious problems during the teenage years.
Parents, have a blessed Sunday!
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