Monday, July 28, 2008 Cayading: Parents, the kids are watching By Trindad Cayading Parenting Pinoy
ARGUING and disagreeing on disciplining your kids what is best about them in their presence is damaging.
You and your husband should come up with united action, especially when children are watching. Issues and concerns that have disagreeing positions can be discussed later in private.
Unless both of you will agree on one decision, your children's perception of right and wrong will begin to appear impartial. They will also make an "end run" around the tougher parent to get the answers they want. There are even more serious consequences for boys and girls when parents are radically different in their approach.
Some of the most hostile, aggressive teenagers come from family constellations where the parents have leaned in opposite directions in their discipline. Suppose the father is unloving and disinterested in the welfare of his kids. His approach is harsh and physical. He comes home tired and may knock them around if they get in his way. The mother is permissive by nature.
She worries every day about the lack of love in the father-child relationship. Eventually she sets out to compensate for it. When Dad sends their son to bed without his dinner, Mom slips him milk and cookies. When he says "no" to a particular request, she finds a way to say "yes." She lets the kids get away with murder because it is not in her spirit to confront them.
What happens under these circumstances is that the authority figures in the family contradict and cancel each other out. Consequently, the child is caught in the middle and often grows up hating both. It doesn't always work that way, but the probability for trouble is high. The "middle ground" between extremes of love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children.
