Thursday, March 08, 2007 Cole: If men get pregnant By Eldred D. Cole Shespeak
BEING one of those who opted not to undergo the excruciating pain and exhilaration of pregnancy, it is with much equanimity that I say pregnancy is as foreign territory to me as that of the moon.
Pregnancy remains a mystery to the dilettante. In fact, we who-have-never-been-pregnant have always been hassled for being sort-of-incomplete-as-a-woman, as if membership to womanhood is not automatic upon birth but one has to undergo the right of passage called pregnancy to be considered as one.
I am not saying I don't like kids. In fact, I adore them, especially if they are not mine because I could return them to the rightful owners if I don't know what to do with them anymore.
But you see pregnancy is not that all rapturous as the full-fledged members of womanhood allege.
Pregnant women sometimes are fired from their jobs because of their situation, they develop health problems, their partners in breeding activity will not admit their authorship and would allege someone must have fathered the child (although short of immaculate conception, he is the only one who has laid more than a hand on the woman), and worst, the nine-month pregnancy is sometimes trivialized as an ordinary affliction to be suffered by the woman alone.
But wait, what if it is the man who gets pregnant? What if the world suddenly flips and it is now the man who bears the seed of life? I do believe most of the rules or customs and traditions that concern pregnancy will drastically change, a three-hundred-eighty-degrees-turn change.
For one, men would be EAGER to talk about commitment. They would be the one to beg, plea and supplicate, in fact might resort to threats, bribery, intimidation and force, just to marry the woman who mothered their child.
Paternity suits would become a brand of clothes, not a case in court.
Family planning? Hah, all methods of birth control would be improved into 100% effectiveness. Medical research money would all be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
They would work very hard to research, conduct study, and suppress procreation for the time being or for eternity. Nevertheless, pregnancy would still be a gender issue, because women then would care less for the outcome of every copulation.
What about morning sickness? Well, it would rank as the nation's number one health problem, and it would be a justification for frequent under time occurrences unlike PMS that women suffer today.
Men would stay in bed for the entire duration of pregnancy, which is a rare occurrence for women. Maternity leave would then last for two years, not two months, with full pay, and other allowances, like RATA, which is pro-rated at present or not given at all if the new mother would not report back to the office a fraction of each month they are on leave.
When men give birth, obviously natural childbirth would become obsolete. There would be more female ob-gyn doctors than male.
Hospitals would all abide by laws concerning childbirth, and it will be fully equipped with state of the art birthing instruments and facilities.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained, and not before. Then there would be a 100 percent effective cure for stretch marks, flabby arms and pregnancy-induced abdominal obesity.
If men get pregnant, they would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
Child rearing will then be a real equal partnership between the father and mother, requiring women to at least spend a small percentage of their busy time with their child.
Baby-sitting, doing dishes, and making beds would be considered "Macho."
Beer houses, bars, motels and similar establishments would not be a best-selling business anymore and thus would eventually shut down; and prostitution would be a thing of the past.
Most importantly, if men get pregnant, women would rule the world!
For comments and reactions e-mail me at coi_416@hotmail.com.
