Wednesday, June 27, 2007 Cole: 'Not tonight dear, I have a headache' By Eldred Cole SheSpeak
WHEN God gave married people the gift of sex, he was not handing them a toy. He was entrusting them with nitroglycerin that even within marriage must be handled with holy fear.
I used to find it amusing when I heard the familiar line "not tonight dear, I have a headache."
That joke was so click that after a while, I expected to hear it whenever I am watching something on TV or listen something on the radio.
Like most people, I sometimes felt sorry for the poor husband who had to turn over and sulk because his wife didn't feel like accommodating him.
What I didn't know was that thousands of wives are literally forced to have sex.
For me, forcing sex upon a marriage partner is to take what is divinely intended to be lovemaking and pervert it into sexual abuse.
It is sexual abuse, both because it is an abuse of sex and because it is the sexual abuse of a partner.
The fact that the abuser is married to the victim makes it no more acceptable than murder becomes acceptable if the murderer is married to his victim.
Whether one uses physical force or emotional blackmail - anger, sulking, whining, threatened separation, etc. - makes little moral difference.
The marital relationship between the offender and the offended party shall not serve as a legal impediment to the commission of the crime of rape by one against the other.
Once upon a time, rape was then a crime against chastity. And relationship between the victim and the perpetrator is a defense, or the reputation of the victim is an issue or the sexual history of the complainant and nature of her work or previous amorous relationships is material as evidence against the incidence of rape, and the right of the accused to prove his good moral character is a valid justification.
But Republic Act 8353 became effective in 1997, and the crime of rape became a crime against person.
The law categorically provides that relationship is not a license to abuse a person sexually, and marital and date rapes are now seriously treated as a crime.
Prior to R.A. 8353, the husband can be held guilty of rape only when the husband forces himself on the wife when they are legally separated.
Not anymore, the marital bond does not give a spouse license to have sex with his wife without her consent. In fact, the Supreme Court says in People of the Philippines vs. Jimenez, (GR 128364, Feb. 4, 1999), "A love affair does not justify rape, for the beloved cannot be sexually violated against her will." How much more marriage?
Incidence of marital rape is reported less than that of stranger rapes.
This is primarily due to the general consensus that what goes on "behind closed doors" or "within the confines of a marriage" is no one else's business.
It's also traced to the idea that a woman is the "possession" of her husband and therefore must submit at his discretion.
The subjugation of women has been acceptable for thousands of years, and in some societies, it was and still is a matter of law to treat them as private property.
So, the vital issue of marital rape is whether in the marriage contract, there was unconditional surrender of the woman's body to the husband, a total capitulation that allows him to have sex with her whenever he pleased and whether or not she consented it.
My position is that a woman does not surrender her human rights to liberty and human dignity when she gets married. That would constitute discrimination and a violation of all international human rights documents and conventions that guarantee human beings rights and freedoms without distinction of any kind.
In marital rape the circumstances are very different. It is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a betrayal of trust.
Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you.
I submit that marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship; because it questions every understanding a woman has not only of her partner and the marriage, but of herself.
When it is the person you have entrusted your life who rapes you, it isn't just physical or sexual assault, it is betrayal of the very core of your marriage, of your person, of your trust.
In this marrying month of June, let us take note that, no matter what sex you are, there is no excuse for abuse.
For comments and/or violent reactions e-mail me at coi_416@hotmail.com.
