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Sunday, October 12, 2003
Lim: Without a man
By Melani Lim
It was not the intention of my column (For women only) last week to make women believe that to be free of abuse, they have to deprive themselves of the company and co-existence of men. However, it was my intention to make women understand that the absence of men in their lives does not have to rob their lives of magic and meaning.
For too long, women have been raised to believe that they were born incomplete. And that their lifelong quest should be to find their perfect other half—the one, true love that would make their lives complete. From the day they were born, they were brainwashed to believe that their soul mate was out there waiting to be found.
And so for those unable to find their soul mate in time when society deems it appropriate for a woman to attach herself permanently to a man, they have society’s sympathy. Having failed so miserably in fulfilling their destiny, they must continue to spend the rest of their lives, hoping and waiting to find or be found.
It’s a myth we have lived with all our lives. It’s a myth that has brought untold pain to many women. Must we continue to pass this on to the next generation? Or is it time for us to finally free our daughters from this miserable myth?
Fall in love. It’s the most wonderful thing imaginable. Smile, swoon and be giddy under the moon. But learn to be accountable for your actions. By all means, take moonlit walks by the pounding tide but let it never be said that no one told you that snakes dwell in the seashore as well as in the grass.
Young women should especially be aware that all is not always fair in love and war. And for those who say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I say, it is better to have loved and let go than to have loved and held on to the wrong one all the time.
Stay because you know staying will make you a better person. Don’t stay because you think leaving will make you a worse person. Stay because you want to save the couple. Don’t stay because you are afraid of no longer being a couple. There is no terror in solitude. There is no shame in being alone.
Everyday, I meet women, young and old, so afraid of being without a man.
It’s good to be with someone else if that someone else is good for you. I’m not saying, be alone for the rest of your life. Stay away from men: they are evil. What I’m saying is your life is not over because you didn’t find your perfect other half. There is no perfect other half. And there is no one you need to find except yourself.
The issue has never been whether or not a woman can live without a man. The issue has always been whether or not a woman wants to live with a man. This is a choice every woman must make for herself. If you want a man in your life, then have one but know that you won’t die without one.
It has never been my intention to encourage women to live a life of philosophical inquiry in favor of a life of passionate intimacy with a man but I never said this was a bad idea, either. I say, do what makes you happy.
(The writer can be reached at sunstarcebucolumnist @yahoo.com)
(October 12, 2003 issue)
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