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Monday, February 09, 2004
Balancing acts in marriage
By Orlando P. Carvajal
Uncut gems
AFTER the honeymoon, the newlywed couple settles down to face the reality of married life. Basically, this means facing the challenge of survival. What is it that they need to survive?
Since they are now one in marriage, the priority has to be the survival and growth of the relationship. This, however, cannot be done at the expense of the couple’s personal survival and growth.
A balancing act has to be performed by the parties involved because if the individuality of either party is smothered, who is there to relate to? When an individual’s completeness as a person is compromised by, say, being utterly dominated by the other party in the marriage, the marriage itself is compromised.
Both parties need to approach the marriage as whole persons. Neither can be the slave of the other. Vice-versa, neither can be the master of the other. The partners can only be different as man and woman, but they are always equal as persons. The difference must be respected without equality being diminished. Otherwise, when one partner is less a person by being dominated by the other, there is no marriage. Only equals can participate in a true marriage.
The struggle to balance individuality and oneness will be further tested by the struggle to achieve a balance between the couple’s and eventually the family’s physical and spiritual development. For a family to survive physically in today’s very complex world, more often than not both parents have to work to earn a living.
This is necessary to send the children to school, feed and clothe the family, and provide it with modern life’s conveniences. Yet, it is a reality of modern living that in many families, the relationship between husband and wife is destroyed by the failure of one or both parties to achieve a balance between career and marriage. It is not rare for couples to split up because one feels neglected by the other who has chosen to make his or her career the exclusive object of his or her attention.
Worse, children are often alienated from parents who are so busy making money for, ironically, the welfare of the children. One hears of parents asking what happened to the children. Why did they run to drugs, for instance? Usually, the reason the youth go for a chemical solution to their problems (of alienation) is the lack of the personal solution coming from the parents. How often do we hear of fathers waking up late when the kids have all gone to school and coming home late from work when all the kids are sound asleep?
Kids need to be hugged, to be assured of a parent’s love not once or twice but always. Parents need to be available to their children when they need someone to talk to. Children indeed need quality time from their parents. Otherwise, all they will ever learn from their parents is how to strive to make money.
This includes learning how to neglect everybody else in order to advance one’s career and be a success in one’s chosen profession.
Ultimately, the challenge for individuals, married or unmarried, is how to achieve a balance between economic wealth and wealth of the soul and of the spirit. On one hand, too much striving for economic wealth can destroy the spirit. On the other, the spirit can be relegated to the sidelines under conditions of extreme physical deprivation.
(February 9, 2004 issue)
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