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Sunday, April 04, 2004
Lim: Me last
By Melanie T. Lim
I had lunch with a friend this week and she said to me in passing that if it were not for her “unexpected” baby, translated to the baby she delivered more than ten years after her youngest child, she would have been going away on holiday like everyone else for the Holy Week.
I looked at her aghast and couldn’t help but blurt out, “Oh please, you gave birth to that baby over a year ago. It’s not like you’re leaving a one-month old baby behind.” But she was adamant about not being able to leave her daughter, so adamant I could almost feel the words unspoken – “I’m not a neglectful mother.”
I understood her sentiments but still felt that her reasons were flimsy.
She had three other teen-age children, the eldest of whom was turning 19. She had a nanny, an army of maids not to mention a brigade of in-laws who lived in the same house with her and her “unexpected baby.” To my mind, there truly was absolutely no reason why she could not take a one-week holiday.
And so I just had to add, “Are you trying to tell me that for the next 18 years of your life, you won’t be taking any vacations because of your “unexpected baby?” My friend fell silent.
On my home from lunch, it occurred to me that my friend had in fact never taken a holiday during the Holy Week ever since she got married, at least not as far as I can remember. The only holiday she ever took was one, many, many years ago, for a month.
My friend is not married to a tyrant. She is, in fact, married to a wonderful person who just doesn’t believe in holidays. The thing is, this should not stop her from taking one herself. But my friend suffers from the “me last” syndrome.
For the last 20 years, she has risen at 5 a.m. every morning to make the meals, prepare and send her children off to school. The rest of the day is spent helping her husband in their family business. I cannot recall a moment when my friend ever spent even just one day pampering herself–in the spa or in the shops.
She has spent her entire married life--all 20 years of them, dedicated to her family. And that is a noble thing. But one vacation in 20 years of marriage? I thought that was pretty glum. It’s not that my friend has no desire to travel, explore the world or engage in activities her friends are in. But she has conditioned herself not to want to do any of these things. And that is a sad thing.
Many women are guilty of suffering from the “me last” syndrome – mothers and wives especially, who automatically put everyone’s needs – their children’s and their spouses’ first before their own. Homemakers are especially vulnerable to this syndrome because after nurturing the family for so long, they forget they need to be nurtured as well.
My friend is a wonderful, caring person who needs to be better appreciated for what she does on a daily basis. But in order for her family to appreciate her, she needs to appreciate herself first. The holiday is long overdue. She’s definitely earned it. It’s time she told her husband and kids, “Me first.”
(April 4, 2004 issue)
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