Sunday, August 15, 2004 Luab: Scarred but intact and better By Evelyn R. Luab Light sunday
Even dogs yelp in pain when whipped by an irate master. How much more for man when he is wounded deeply by the one he loves?
Wives are equipped with invisible radar, which tells them when dear hubby goes to greener pastures to play. Yet many wives stick it out hoping the stage of philandering will pass.
I watched Oprah’s show last week wherein Halle Berry was asked, “What did you learn from the traumatic experience you went through, after finding out that your husband had several women in his life during your marriage?” Bravely Halle answered, “I know now the flags that come my way.
There are certain signs that tell me ‘uh-oh, this is the same thing again but this time I’m not going to stand for it’.” Halle even announced that she never intends to marry again. She said she might enter into a relationship but not marriage! That’s how badly scarred she has been.
However, Benjamin Prats, the other guest in Oprah’s show, proudly spoke of the one woman in his life, the joy of taking care of his kid without a nanny and spoke to Halle, saying, “I hope you will change your mind someday because marriage is a wonderful institution!”
In these present days of so many temptations, a lot of marriages break. For reasons only individuals know and understand (no one else can fathom the pain), they finally decide that they have had enough and can’t take any more physical or emotional battering. Several couples end their marriages.
I know of a single parent who is bravely working herself to exhaustion at times because she knows her son depends on her for food, shelter and education. She’s doing a wonderful job at being both father and mom to her son. The two of them know that there exists a “daddy” but when he will come back, if ever, is the $64 question. They both hope he will come to his senses one day, but in the meantime, they both know that they’ve been wounded but they’ve also become stronger and have learned to make do or make up for what they can’t have at the moment. I see the love and the pillars that mother and son have erected for each other, and I am proud to be privileged to have met them.
We all have scars at one time or another. Normally, a large family of eight or 10 children, especially if they have been blessed with innate intelligence, are bound to rub each other the wrong way at one time or another. Harsh words are dropped. Sometimes men strike at each other in anger. Some people even go to court against each other in spite of the blood relationship, but when all is said and done, people are strengthened by wounds.
If the making up is managed, then the bond grows stronger. If ties are finally cut off, then out of the chaos and pain often comes independence and success.
An adopted son was literally cut out of the will of his father by the natural children of the family. No amount of fighting in court gave him his share of the inheritance. Somehow, though, by sheer grit and determination, he was able to start a business. It grew because he wanted to show that he was just as good as anyone of his brothers and sisters. Today, he looks back and thanks that particular legal battle which he lost. He has realized that he needed the scars to be a better man.
We have alcoholics and drug addicts who have gone through rehabilitation programs and have won.
Some wives and husbands who have gone through so much pain and battering have managed to emerge as stable and happy people.
Pain and suffering are both visitors we would rather not meet. However, they only become horrible traumas if we allow them to keep us down.
Man’s threshold for pain and suffering can be pretty high if backed by faith in an omnipotent, loving and caring God who will never let us down.
We have all the weapons in our system to sustain and overcome pain and to come out better and stronger persons. All who have lost a parent, a husband, a wife or a child know that strength comes as a more welcome, a more stable visitor than pain and suffering. We have met better persons because of scars.
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