Sunday, August 15, 2004 The waiting game By Darwin John Moises and Michelle Mendez Singlestalk
Michelle: Single people frequently view their status as one big waiting room, waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to come along and rescue them from a fate which they think is more horrible than death – singlehood! Some think life hasn’t begun just yet - marking time, flying around in a holding pattern and waiting for marriage to happen before life can truly start. Thinking that marriage can complete their lives, some go on a relationship-hunting spree. And just like a hunt, many get hurt or cause hurt in the process.
Darwin: Marriage is often thought of as a default, that all of us should get married. I used to think that way too. Growing up in typical Filipino home gives one the idea that one has to prepare for the eventuality — no, not death but marriage. But marriage is not a requirement for one to be complete. When I was younger I used to think being in a relationship is the most natural thing to do. Then I realized I wasn’t really into the right relationship because I was busy being in a relationship! Before one has to search for someone, one needs to find himself or herself first. I think that’s a prerequisite.
M: Playing hard to get seems to have played out. Time is of the essence, biological clocks are ticking like time bombs and the ratio of men to women is 1:5. Many do not want to be kept waiting even though it is said that good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately for some, patience is not a strong virtue. This quest for coupledom tends to produce an unfortunate message – “you have to be married to be okay”. How many of us have to deal with family members who ask us “why aren’t you married yet?” or get comments like “but you’re so pretty, what’s wrong with those guys in Cebu?”
the implication being that if you’re pretty, you certainly should be married (and if you’re ugly, you’re lucky somebody married you!)
D: I can understand why women generally are in a hurry to settle down. The reason is usually biological. But more than any biological implication, a person should marry for the right reason. It’s not about because the time clock is ticking or because she’s in a search for something that will make her complete. At the end of the day, one still has her own self to face. Nothing or no one can make her whole if she is already broken to begin with.
M: Marriage should be honored and revered, as a sacrament should. But it doesn’t mean that choosing to remain single is a subnormal lifestyle. We need to understand that singleness isn’t a second best choice for those who missed the “last trip” for some reason or another. Personally, I don’t mind not taking the trip. There’s freedom in our singleness that when used correctly gives us more time for a lot of things that will truly make us happy and content. For those who are still single and waiting – nearly in vain that veins are starting to show, don’t be worried! Waiting molds characters, teaches us to value ourselves and be patient with God. He has an eternal timetable set for all of us. Thing is, I hope He doesn’t make those who want to get married wait until eternity!
D: When there is an intense desire to settle down, the best advice I can offer is to take a step back, look at the big picture, and judge it as objectively as possible. There is wisdom in looking at what you have and less on what you still don’t have. Contentment, whether in wealth or in state of life, is essential for one to be happy. While some of us may seem to be missing on something, no doubt he or she’s been enriched somewhere else. Single life can be bliss just as married life can be a misery. There are also contented married couples just as there are unhappy single people. In the end, the choice is still ours.
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