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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Pages: Seven days without laughter makes one weak
By John Pages
Match Point
AN OVERWEIGHT man signed up for a weight loss program complete with a personal trainer. It included a run each morning at 6.So when the doorbell rings the next morning, he’s ready. As he opens the door, he sees the most beautiful blonde he’s ever seen. Tall, well-endowed above a slim waist and long legs, she’s dressed in a pair of shorts that can barely contain her.
She smiles and says, “If you can catch me, you can kiss me” and starts off at a fast run.
This continues each morning. After three frustrating weeks, the man gets in shape and can almost keep up with her. One day he’s barely able to touch her shorts but can’t hang on. Tomorrow will be the big day. He barely sleeps that night.
The next morning, the bell rings. He runs to the door and throws it open.
There stands a huge burly woman, six-foot-five and 250 pounds. She’s muscled up like an ox and has a large wart amid her facial hair. She smiles and says, “I’m your new trainer. If I can catch you, I can kiss you!”
* * *
At a golf club, this sign posted…
1. Back straight and knees bent.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. Let others go ahead if you’ll take long.
8. Don’t stare while others address their balls.
9. Quiet please. Others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done! Now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.
* * *
Jose is 17-years-old and lives in Mexico. All his life he wanted to see an American baseball game so he saved money for the trip.
As luck would have it, he arrived just in time for the World Series. Unfortunately, he had not counted on the high ticket prices. He tried to get in but was blocked by security.
Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. So he climbs. Well, it was time to start and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watched the game in smiles.
When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitchhiked back over the Mexican border. When he got home, all his friends asked, “Jose, how was the game?”
“It was wonderful, amigos,” Jose replies. “The Americans are so kind. The first thing they did, even before the game started, was to ask me, ‘Jose, can you see?’”
* * *
There were three football fans who happened to sit behind nuns. The nuns were blocking their view.
One guy said, “I wanna go to Oregon cause there’s only 25 Catholics there.” The other guy said, “Yeah? Well there are 20 Catholics in Ohio.” The last guy said, “There are only 15 in Idaho!”
One of the nuns turned around and said “Why don’t you go to hell there are no Catholics there!”
* * *
“I just don’t understand it,” an Irish footballer complained. “One match I play well, and then the next match I’m terrible.”
“Well,” said his wife, “why don’t you just play every other match?”
* * *
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand-new tennis ball. Seeing no one looking, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
On his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the blonde girl, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”
* * *
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was giving the couples tips when she announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is best.
And, gentlemen, it would be nice for you to walk along with your partner.”
The room got quiet. Finally, a man raised his hand.
“Is it all right,” he asks, “if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
* * *
At the recent Olympics, a man was walking through the Olympic village carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked, “Are you a pole- vaulter?” The man replied, “No, I’m a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”
* * *
Confucius says baseball funny game. Man can walk on four balls.
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.
What is the difference between a heavyweight boxer and a man with a cold?
One knows his blows and the other blows his nose!
Why did the golfer take a spare pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
(john@playhouse.edu.ph)
(March 15, 2005 issue)
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