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Thursday, March 24, 2005
Cancer is a blessing
By Tonette Tongoy-Fritzsche
* Having the big C is a make or break situation. It either plunges you into complete despair or brings out the warrior in you. I chose the latter and many of us out there are doing the same.
“Hi, my name is Ms. Crab and I have cancer.” Applause. I think that’s how you introduce yourself when you join cancer support groups but I haven’t gone that far yet…soon I’ll be joining them but first, let me tell you how it feels.
It starts out as a vague feeling that something is quite amiss but I couldn’t put my finger to it and dismissed it as part of the daily stress that one encounters. Then the physical signs, in my case, some sort of female discharge. Being the cautious type, I go see my gynecologist. All the normal tests are done and some antibiotics, then I wait for the results. Results are in and at first it’s all normal and I give a sigh of relief…but after two weeks, the female discharge is still there, back to the doctor I go, this time more tests and ultrasound. After results are back, my life as I know it goes into fast forward. Within a month and a half, I underwent three operations to check my uterus, then have it taken out and then to have a procedure to insert a port-a-cath under my right clavicle so that the chemo medicines go in the port-a-cath instead of intravenously.
Rare cancer
And of course the verdict is cancer, which happens to be a rare form. Being told that one has cancer even if it is in the early stages is terrifying; it is tantamount to being given the death sentence. My world suddenly went into a tailspin, my mind froze, and I felt utterly alone. I needed to think and I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know where to go. I couldn’t go home in my present state of mind and I couldn’t allow my family to see me in that helpless condition. I went to a cousin instead, who happens to be a cancer ‘survivor’, and cried like there was no tomorrow. She understood how I felt and she quietly gave me her support while I cried my heart out. No words, just a silent support which I needed most because reassuring me at that moment was not going to help.
Cancer is such an ugly word. It’s a dis-ease that tells you to shape up or ship out, literally. It’s dis-ease that gives you a reality check or rather jolts you like an electric shock. Life now has a whole new meaning. And one learns to give ‘fight for your life’ a whole new perspective because now you actually do. Or, you can allow it to take you down. And believe me, it can. In fact, it is easier to cop out and be depressed. These feelings tell you a lot about yourself and your personality. It teaches you to dig deeper into yourself. You start asking questions about your life.Before, just the hint of those questions made you switch your thinking mode to something more ‘pleasant’. Now, these crucial questions are staring you in the face and you are forced to stare back.
How long will I live? Will I make it? Who will take care of my children or family when I’m gone? Can I hold on long enough to put my affairs in order? Will I ever see my child/children graduate from college? Will I ever see my grandchildren? What do I want out of life? Why me? Sometimes or maybe more often, some ask these painful questions: Why did God abandon me? Why did He make me sick? Sounds familiar? These are the questions that we, cancer- stricken people, get to ask and need to find the answers as quickly as we can. Remember, this dis-ease gives us supposedly very little time to answer them. And our minds start racing, our hearts start beating faster, our souls start answering.
And when this happens, you are now given the most wonderful gift of all. Connection to oneself and God. Because when one thinks that we have very little time left on this blessed Earth everyday that we wake up to is to be blessed and cherished. You start seeing life with a different viewpoint. Rose-colored glasses are off. You are seeing clearly for once in your life. So what is so clear now, you ask? You learn…to forgive people that hurt you in big and small ways. To be more patient and not get irritated so quickly. To check your temper because you realize you don’t want those cancer cells multiplying every time you get angry. To not allow most things to stress you or else. You become less materialistic and become more giving to other people. Better to give than to receive. You are kinder to your other fellow human beings. You give more time to your family when you had so little time for them before. You become closer to God and you start to really ‘talk’ to Him. I don’t mean ritualistic prayers
from novenas but prayers like, “Good morning God, thank you for yesterday and today; I love You.” You also start seeing that tiny little yellow flower on the sidewalk that you never noticed before and say to yourself how pretty it is. These are just some of the gifts that having cancer gives you and the realization that you are now getting to know yourself because you have finally stared it in the face. You’ve stopped running and started living.
Oh please, don’t think I am painting a pretty picture of what this dis-ease can do. It’s because of it that one starts seeing the beauty of what is considered a very ugly dis-ease. I will not discount the discomfort, a very understated word, when one goes in for a chemotherapy and radiation for some. The pain of recovering from major surgery because parts of our organs or whatever have been radically taken out of our bodies and coping from the loss of it…Doing our best to cope with the after-effects of chemotherapy every time. The hair loss which is a big blow to female vanity, the extreme nausea, mouthsores or whatever sore that pops up in our bodies, the chemical burn that darkens our hand or other parts of our bodies, mostly extremities. Having to go into reverse isolation and wearing that dreadful mask every time we want to go out in public places so that we do not get other people’s germs. I dislike having to be stared at in malls because I’m wearing a mask but I will not let it deter me either. Life’s too short now for vanities such as being stared at or looking different to bother me.
Then there are people’s reactions when they learn that you have cancer. With no exception, their concern for you is all well-meaning but their reaction goes from the most serious to the almost ridiculous! From our loved ones, we see the tears or the holding back of it and you feel yourself crumple inside, so what do we do, we end up being the strong one and reassuring them that we will be alright. Our friends become such darlings that they will do anything for you, even doing tiny errands like picking up a package for you somewhere because you cannot do it yourself having just finished chemotherapy. Then came the acquaintances who have no clue on how to react to you when they see you wearing a mask. Questions like, “Do you have a cold?” Ya, right, and you hear people around you coughing up a storm and they are not wearing a mask. Telling them the reason why you are wearing a mask just floors them, so they make a hasty exit somewhere. Probably too much for them to take at that very moment. Then comes the party-situation…you make lots of efforts to dress up, put on make-up and just feel good then what do they do? They see your mask! The mask, I think, makes them go crazy inside. They then start telling you of other people they know that have cancer, how they survived, or they do the opposite. They start telling you that after your fourth chemotherapy, you will start losing your hair, you will feel this or that and basically just scare the living daylights out of you! And all this you take graciously, smiling and nodding, making a few comments here and there, when all you want is not to be reminded that you have this dis-ease and that you are coping with it at the moment. I just want to have fun! Get it!
Make or break
Having the big C is a make or break situation. It either plunges you into complete despair or brings out the warrior in you. I chose the latter and many of us out there are doing the same. We are not alone in this but we do our battles alone. That’s where we realize that we have this Herculean strength inside of us that we thought we never had. We start fighting for the right reasons to live. We don’t let trivial things bother us anymore and we find out more and more that we have this almost bottomless pit knowing how much we can give out to others without the anger or resentment. And most importantly, we’ve become honest with ourselves and started becoming self-realized. We’ve become real people. Now isn’t that nice? And I will say to all of you out there, that even if cancer is a dreadful dis-ease, it is a blessing from God.
Getting well will certainly be an uphill battle. We will have our good days and our bad days, with our feelings and our health. But because we are ‘warriors’ it is part of our battle to live quality lives, and in the end to be proud to say that we have become ‘victors’ instead of ‘survivors’ because we have defeated this dis-ease just like a real warrior does.
(March 24, 2005 issue)
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