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Monday, September 19, 2005
Rama: True lies
By Karlon N. Rama
Stage five
This column will be two years this issue. We’ve talked about the gun sports, firearm safety, proficient shooting, new products, emerging trends and the like.
We’ve also received, published and reacted to e-mails sent by some pro-gun readers. Now, the editors are asking why we’ve never published any anti-gun commentaries. I told them its because I haven’t received any. They said that’s impossible. Them being the editors, I yield.
Dear Mr. Rama,
You’re articles are giving people a lot of bad ideas. More and more people are purchasing firearms for personal protection. They seek training and keep it to secure their homes.
I object on the grounds that it represents a threat to our profession, one that has existed since before Moses and is even prominently mentioned in the 10 Commandments.
How can my merry band and I, when we are soon released, be expected to carry out our jobs successfully with this threat around?
P.S. Regards to Ben Tambling. Text me at 0926-8790508 when you can, my friend. I know of his house in...
Sincerely yours,
Boy Kiriwan Jr.
Brigada Siete, BC45
Bagong Buhay Rehabilitation Center
Mr. Rama,
This is to give due notice to the civil case for damages that our law firm, in behalf of our client Mr. Gestapo Higal, has formally filed against you before the Regional Trial Court (RTC) in Cebu City.
Our client has suffered sleepless nights and wounded feelings as a result of the brutal attack made against his junior member by one Maria Clara Masimbahon of Sitio San Juan, Barangay San Pedro.
To recall, Mr. Higal, behooved by a strong love-inspired longing of the loins, had attempted to show the physical manifestation of his emotional desires upon Ms. Masimbahon when the latter, failing to understand the very logical premise that when a girl says no she actually mean yes, pulled out a firearm that she, on the basis of a Permit to Carry Firearm Outside Residence, was allowed to posses, and shot our client just above where the family jewel hanged, causing him a whole lot of hurt, pain and suffering.
Our research shows that Ms. Masimbahon, upon reading one of your articles, realized the reality of crime, secured a firearm from a gun store that you had suggested to her to visit, and obtained firearms training from a gun club that you recommended.
Had you not done these, our good client, Mr. Higal, would still be able to walk straight and sit properly now.
Respectfully,
Atty. D. Mulaban
Mangayo, Mudawat, Mubulsa & Associates,
North Rd., cor. South East St., Cebu
Dear Mr. Rama,
You are very bad for promoting guns. Firearms hurt people. Without guns, there will be peace on earth and it will begin with me.
Don’t you know that it is better to light just one little candle than to stumble in the dark and that there are 10 little Indian boys?
I hope you will change your evil, evil ways you evil, evil man.
I’d love to write more but the nurse has arrived.
P.S. A bad, bad boy walked into my house via the window last night. He had a gun. I asked him if we could be friends and he shot me in the behind and stole everything. I told him I would never be friends with him ever. Not in a million years.
Lovingly yours,
Manly Lachica III
Room 444, Psychia Ward
Don Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center
Dear Mr. Rama,
I am directing you to cease and desist from further discussing the shooting sport in your column.
Yes the Philippines has won quite a few international competitions in shooting in the last couple of years, okay we’ve won a whole slew of them in the just recently concluded World Shoot XIV, but that is not the point.
Talk about some other sport.
I suggest one that allows fathers and sons to go together to a peaceful and quite place where the father can teach his son, as a right of passage, a special skill taught to him by his own father who was in turn taught by his father in his youth.
Talk about a sport that allows the father to explain to his son in concrete terms what growing up, maturation, discipline and responsibility is all about.
I know that this all happens in the shooting sport but, be that as it may, talk about something else, will yah?
Sincerely,
Mr. Y. Clarus
Jimminy Cricket Road
Bug Bend, Opao, Mandaue City
My apologies for this lame attempt at parody, I shall never try a similar stupid stunt in the next year or so. Apparently, expressing subtlety and employing humor in writing aren’t among my strong points.
Be that as it may, I would like to take this opportunity to thank those who’ve stayed with Stage Five all this time and hope that you’ll all keep coming back for more.
Comments, in satire or otherwise, are genuinely welcome at knrama@sunstar.com.ph.
(September 19, 2005 issue)
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