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Sunday, January 29, 2006
Mercado: Lunar inconsequence
By Juan L. Mercado
(The items below are items of “underwhelming irrelevance,” a friend e-mailed. But then, aren’t most of our politicians? Many are now brazenly scrambling to stay on three more years by adopting the “no-election provision. But it’s the lunar Chinese New Year. So, read and enjoy. Kung Hei Fat Choi. -- Juan L. Mercado)
When the opposition parades the old tired faces as it’s leaders, columnist Amando Doronila says it reminds one of reshuffling a used deck of cards.
But did you know that each king, in a deck of playing cards, represents a great monarch from history? Spades---King David; Hearts---Charlemagne; Clubs---Alexander, the Great; and Diamonds---Julius Caesar.
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. The rule was: "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden." And thus the word “golf” entered into the English language.
(The game, of course, spawned more jokes than lost balls. After playing golf with President Eisenhower, Bob Hope cracked: “It’s hard to play with a guy who rattles his medals when you tee off.” And “you never had to ask President Ford what his score was,” Hope recalled. “You just count the victims.”)
Did your math teacher ever tell you that 111,111,111 times 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321? Put away your calculator. Do those sums manually.
My grandchildren stare blankly when I tell them of a machine called the typewriter. As cub reporters, we banged away on those machines. But our grandkids are growing up in the age of the laptop. To see a typewriter today, you need to drop by at police stations in fifth class towns.
But do you know what the first novel ever written on a typewriter was? “Tom Sawyer,” painstakingly punched out by Mark Twain (a.k.a Samuel Clemens).
Did anyone tell you that in Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes? When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Good night, sleep tight."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked in the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they whistled to hustle some service. From this practice came the phrase: "Wet your whistle."
What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey. And it was the practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead---honey beer---he could drink.
Their calendar was lunar based, like the Chinese. This period was called the honey month. Today, our phrase is: ”honeymoon.”
Did any lawyer tell you that, in the 1400's, a law set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All were invented by women. And did you know that men can read smaller print than women can; and women can hear better?
(These led a doctor in Boracay to email this item on an international conference on women’s liberation--–and the speaker from the Philippines. She spoke on “being more assertive with our husbands” after the ladies from England and Russia.
(The British lady stood up and said: “Cook for yourself, I told my husband.”
After seeing nothing for two days, the husband “cooked and served a wonderful roast lamb” on the third day. The crowd cheered.
(“Ivan, do your own laundry, ” the Russian lady said she told her husband. After seeing nothing for two days, Ivan did his own washing--–and mine as well” on the third day. Again, the crowd cheered.
(The third speaker came from the Visayas: "Aftir lass year's comprince, I win hum and told dat lazy husband op mines, Pidro, dat I was tru getting his slippers, kuking his meals, washing his underwir and dat he was guing to hab to do dem himsilf. “ The crowd gave her a five-minute standing ovation.
(“Aftir da first day, I see nating,” she continued. “Aftir da secun day, agin I see nating. But aftir da tird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.”)
But back to items of “underwhelming irrelevance: Do you know that Coca-Cola was originally green? And intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair?
And on which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day. (As the father tells the mother, reading aloud a letter from their son in college: “Never mind. Just get to the part that says: By the way Dad…”)
If you need proof that the human race is in trouble, then read items of “underwhelming irrelevance” on actual label instructions on consumer goods. These were sent by an editor -friend in Australia.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Is there a problem of time constraints?) Or this one on a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (Is that how?) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Hmmm..!)
Wait. There’s more. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Don't blame the company, blame the parents!) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (What’s other use?) On a box of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Other alternatives?)
Kung hei fat choi!
(juan_mercado@pacific.net.ph)
For Bisaya stories from Cebu. Click here. (January 29, 2006 issue)
Write letter to the editor.Click here.
Join the Sun.Star message board.Click here. |
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