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Sunday, June 11, 2006
I’m in love with my best friend
By Dr. Dana Ruiz-Sesante
Women’s world
Dr. Dana Ruiz-Sesante
Women’s world
Dear Dra. Ruiz,
What do you do when you suddenly realize that you’re in love with your best friend?
Yes, Doctora, I’m in love with my best friend, only he doesn’t know it. Our situation is a little complicated, that’s why I don’t know if I should even tell him about how I feel. That’s why I’m writing to you now, to get your advice.
I’m 23, a single mom. My daughter’s father is no longer in the picture, he has his own family now in Bukidnon. My friend Butch (not his real name) has been part of my barkada since we were in high school. There are six of us in our barkada, four girls and two boys. But of my five best friends, Butch is the best of the best. In fact, he’s even godfather to my daughter.
I’ve always had a really big crush on Butch. I’ve already had two boyfriends since I first met him, including my daughter’s father, but I’ve always felt that I would be much happier with Butch.
I’m really confused about how I’m feeling. Butch is wonderful, kind, considerate, and we have the same likes. We’re open to each other, but I’ve kept my feelings for him a secret. Still, whenever we’re together, I feel as though Butch already knows how I feel. He teases me all the time. Once, when we were talking about what we were looking for in a partner, he told me that he preferred mestiza Chinitas who were petite with long, straight hair. With my short, wavy hair and Pinay looks, I’m just not his type.
The other girls in our barkada, who all know how I feel, try to encourage me. They say that for all I know, despite all the jokes that Butch makes about me, deep down inside he really likes me. There are times when I feel as though it’s true, but then he says things that discourage me and make me think otherwise. There are times when he talks to me about his crushes and about his girl problems. It hurts me to talk about these things, but I’m his friend, so I just bear it.
Butch even gave me a wonderful present for my birthday, with such a personal touch that sometimes I think maybe he does like me. But then there’s another problem. I’m afraid that our friendship might be affected if he does like me and asks me out.
You know how it is when a relationship starts first with friendship then turns into something else. When the couple breaks up, so does their friendship. I wouldn’t want that.
I’m really confused, Doctora. How do I know if he likes me? If he does, then what about my fears about what will happen to our friendship? What if he only considers me a friend? How do I deal with my feelings? I really think I’m in love with him, Doctora.
What do I do?
Belle
Dear Belle,
I’ve always maintained that if you want something bad enough, you must have the courage to go after it. As long as you don’t hurt anyone in the process, then you shouldn’t be afraid to go for what you want. At the end of your life, usually it’s not what you did that you regret, but what you didn’t do.
On that note, I believe you owe it to yourself to be honest with Butch by telling him how you really feel. If you’re afraid that it might ruin a beautiful friendship, then that’s the risk you have to take if you’re longing for any peace of mind regarding that matter. But you can minimize the risk of spoiling your present relationship. When you tell Butch how you feel, try to be subtle about it. Maybe you can start off by just teasing him, like asking him what he would think/feel if you had a crush on him. The way he reacts would give you some inkling as to how he really feels.
Or you can even ask one of the other girls in your group to break the ice for you. I know a couple who used to be part of a three-member gang with another girl until the girl started teasing the two of them to each other, saying that instead of them harping about his unfaithful girlfriend and her boring boyfriend, they should just get rid of their miseries by getting together.
Well, before long they indeed became a couple and last I heard they’d already gotten married. I’m not saying the same future is necessarily in the cards for you, but if ever, your friend could be the catalyst for something happening.
As a parting thought, however, let me just remind you that you’re still very young. At your age, there are still many opportunities for you to meet other men who could possibly be better suited to you. If you really don’t want to jeopardize your friendship with Butch, especially if you have only a select few with whom you have such a close relationship, then you could keep that in mind and just maintain the status quo so as to preserve the camaraderie between you two. The choice is yours. Good luck and God bless.
Very truly yours,
Dana Ruiz-Sesante, M.D.
Breast soreness
Dear Doctora Dana,
I’ve noticed that every time it’s almost my period, my breasts get tender and heavy. I know it’s a normal part of having menstruation, just like cramps. But is there something I can do to lessen the discomfort? My cousin told me jokingly that I better get used to the pain because when she gave birth to my two nieces and breastfed them, she had the same kind of pain, maybe even worse. She said that if I plan to have children someday, that’s exactly what I have to look forward to. She even said that getting used to the pain is like character-building or something, but I disagree with her. I hope you can have some tips to ease the soreness. Thanks and God bless.
Miss C
Dear Miss C,
Breast discomfort is a normal part of being a woman. Breasts are mammary glands that are responsive to natural hormonal changes, especially fluctuations in estrogen that occur at menstruation, menopause, and pregnancy. Hormonal changes can cause breasts to become hot, swollen, tender, and painful to the touch. All such changes that occur just before menstruation and during pregnancy prepare the woman’s breasts for breast-feeding. With the onset of menstruation, estrogen levels fall and the breasts return to normal.
While you can’t escape the natural fluctuations in hormones, there are things you can do to make yourself and your breasts more comfortable:
4 Wear a supportive bra. Breasts often swell with fluid during periods of hormonal fluctuation. During such times, you should wear a supportive bra, especially if your breasts are large. You may have to wear it 24 hours a day when the breasts are tender. Soft athletic bras may provide the best comfort and support.
4 Cut back on caffeine. Some women have reported good results from cutting back or eliminating caffeinated coffees, teas, colas and chocolate. Try reducing your caffeine consumption to see if your breast discomfort decreases.
4 Cut salt. Many women are bothered by fluid retention, particularly near the time of their menstrual period. Avoiding salt around this time can help minimize fluid retention.
4 Apply hot or cold packs. Some women find relief from painful breasts by alternating a warm heating pad and ice packs. Try using the heating pad (or a washcloth soaked in hot water) for 30 minutes, then the ice packs for 10 minutes, then the heating pad (or washcloth) for 30 minutes, and so on.
4 Try a non-prescription pain reliever. Ibuprofen or acetaminophen can ease the pain of premenstrual breasts.
These tips can help relieve some breast discomfort. But if, aside from the soreness, you also feel a lump or firmness in your breast, or the soreness is felt in only one breast, or there is nipple discharge, it might be good to see a doctor. These may be initial warning signs of something more serious.
Let me also take this opportunity to remind all women out there to be sure to examine your breasts monthly, regardless of whether you feel any discomfort or not. Self-examination of the breasts is an effective way to detect cancerous changes early.
The best time to perform the exam is during the week following your menstrual period. If you don’t know how to do a breast self-exam or you’re not sure if you’re doing it properly, come visit me or any other doctor.
Very truly yours,
Dana Ruiz-Sesante, M.D.
Dana Ruiz-Sesante, M.D. owns and operates Ruiz Derma & Spa which offers a wide selection of beauty services such as ionto/micro, facial treatment, acne treatment, nose lifting/trimming, eyebag removal; cyst, wart & mole removal; skin bleaching, unwanted hair removal, virginity restoration, slimming program, body therapy, salon service, and chair massages. They have branches at SM City Cebu, Ayala Center, Escario, Mambaling, Marina Mall (Lapu-Lapu), and their latest branch is at the Wave Mall, Pres. D. Macapagal Blvd, Makati City. They can be reached thru fax no. 253-9362 or via email at ruizderma@yahoo.com
For Bisaya stories from Cebu. Click here. (June 11, 2006 issue)
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