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Sunday, June 25, 2006
Mercado: Sunday fare
By Juan L. Mercado
Before June, the month of weddings ends, and you may want to share this item with your readers, writes Dr. Remy Laxamana from Daytona Beach, Florida:
Miguel found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father would pass away. He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman who took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die. And I'll inherit 200 million pesos."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening---three days later, she became his stepmother.
Or did you hear the one about the lady and the pharmacist?
A nice, calm, and well-dressed lady went into the drug store, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" the pharmacist replied. Without batting an eyelash, the lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "NO! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and thoughtfully replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Turbulence in marriage has led to some quotable quotes. Here are a few of them:
"By all means marry," Socrates wrote. "If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
The comedian Milton Berle had another take though: “A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
These led the scientist Sigmund Freud to admit: The great question...which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?"
Others were not as brave. They cowered behind anonymity. Here are some from those behind the "don't-quote-me" shield:
"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me," grumbled one.
"I've had bad luck with both my wives," says another. "The first one left me and the second one didn't."
A third ruefully advises: "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it---once."
But a fourth claims: "Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy."
But for this four-year old, kid, attending his first wedding, it was a question of numbers.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
But a musician prefers to take some, who figured in scriptures, and match them with song titles.
Adam and Eve reminded him of the song: "Strangers in Paradise."
Jezebel brought back Frank Sinatra's "The Lady is a Tramp."
But the lovely Esther resounded with the Broadway ditty: "I Fell Pretty."
"I Could Have Danced All Night" from the play "My Fair Lady" was right for Salome.
He hastens to say he has no gender bias. Male characters in the Good Book have appropriate tunes too. Here are some:
Noah sang: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" while Moses fit "The Wanderer."
But Job would have chosen: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" and Samson settled for "Hair."
And the Three Kings? How about ""When You Wish Upon a Star"?
Sunday columns, a friend adds, should go easy on the heavy stuff.
Like the catechism teacher who was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt.
Six-year old Maria interrupted: "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," she announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Or you could read those signs and you'll get a break. Here are some of them:
Sign over a gynecologist's office: " Dr. Santos, at your cervix."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At a door of a podiatrist (feet doctor): "Time wounds all heels."
But the proctologist had his own version: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
An Optometrist's clinic had this sign: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels,” proclaims the sign on a septic tank truck.
But the plumber's van has this version: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
The electrician's car had this bumper sticker: "Let us remove your shorts."
But the tire repair shop advertises: "Invite us to your next blowout."
A car muffler shop put up this signboard: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
"Don't stand there and be hungry," the poster on the restaurant window states. “Come on in and get fed up."
But the funeral parlor had some advise for those who zipped by its driveway: "Drive carefully. We'll Wait."
Everything, however, has a gender, Dr. Vicente Rosales emails.
"A tire is male because it goes bald and is often over-inflated."
But "an hourglass is female. Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom."
What about elevated trains? They're male, "because they use the same old lines to pick people up. But a web page is female, because it's always getting hit on."
Have a restful Sunday.
(juan_mercado@pacific.net.ph)
For Bisaya stories from Cebu. Click here. (June 25, 2006 issue)
Write letter to the editor.Click here.
Join the Sun.Star message board.Click here. |
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