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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Confidence, compassion keys to attraction
By Zosimo T. Literatus, R.M.T.
Breakthroughs
“AND, above all things,” wrote Anthony Trollope in his novel The Small House at Allington (1864), “never think that you’re not good enough yourself...In life, people will take you very much at your own reckoning.”
It is an advice from 14 decades ago that finds support in a recent study in relationship development.
In the study, co-authors Eva Klohnen and Shanhong Luo found people most attracted to secure romantic partners (supportive and confident in their relationships) as opposed to insecure partners (preoccupied, fearful or dismissing, and whose anxiety often centered around fears of abandonment, and thus avoid expressing emotions in a relationship). Klohnen and Luo are both researchers in the University of Iowa in Iowa City, Iowa, USA.
The study involved 751 single college students who participated in a series of three laboratory experiments aimed at evaluating potential partners using two different attachment styles: secure and insecure.
Participants read descriptions of hypothetical dating partners who fit one of the attachment styles, imagined their feelings in a romantic relationship with that partner, and were then tested on their perceptions of the potential partner.
The results, published in the October 2005 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, also showed that when it comes to attraction towards insecurely attached partners, participants tended to be attracted to those whom they can identify with themselves. Attraction also occurs when a potential partner matches with one’s actual or ideal self.
“Attraction,” says Klohnen, “is based on perceptions and not on who the person truly is.”
The findings provide insights into the dynamics of infatuation and how marriages, in their early years, struggle to overcome certain disillusionments brought about by initial perceptions.
If a marriage succeeds, it would depend on how effectively the couple forgoes such perceptions, accepts their partners for who they really are and continues to love them despite that.
Attraction eventually must give way to that knowledge. “Every arrow that flies,” wrote Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, author of The Song of Hiawatha (1855), “feels the attraction of earth.”
But one thing good about attraction is this: Attraction builds the initial bridge that connects strangers to each other. It allows you to say, “My life would be a lot happier if you would let me know you more.”
(For comments and suggestions, email to ztliteratus6046@lycos.com, text to 0927-979-3519.)
For Bisaya stories from Cebu. Click here. (July 19, 2006 issue)
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