Tuesday, October 03, 2006 Pages: Why did the golfer bring extra pants? By John Pages Matchpoint
IN CASE he got a hole in one! Q: How do athletes stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans. Q: What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn’t cause pain? Unemployed! Q: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs! Q: What’s a golfer’s favorite letter? Tee! Q: Why did the baseball player get arrested? For stealing the bases. Q: Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback! Q: What is the definition of “Endless Love.” Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. Q: What are Brazilian fans called? Brazil nuts! Q: What did the two strings do in the race? They tied. Q: What is the difference between a heavyweight boxer and a man with a cold? One knows his blows and the other blows his nose! * * * Reverend Francis Norton awoke one Sunday morning and decided to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say the mass. Father Norton quickly headed out of town to a golf course 86 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t meet anyone from the parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was a Sunday and everyone else was in church.
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then, Father Norton hit the ball straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
* * *
“Are you a lawyer?”
“Yes, I am.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A thousand dollars for four questions.”
“Isn’t that pretty steep?”
“Yes, it is. What’s your fourth question?”
* * *
Jane had been driving for 16 straight hours and was tired. She decided to pull over a side road. She closed her eyes and slept…
An old man in a jogging suit knocked on her window. “Sorry to wake you,” he huffed. “But can you tell me what time it is?” Jane glanced at her watch. “8:15,” she said. The old man thanked her, then left. Jane fell back to sleep.
Two male joggers knocked on her window. “Hi,” one said. “Do you have the time?” Jane sighed and looked at her watch. “8:19,” she said. “Thanks,” they replied, then jogged off.
Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen and scrawled “I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME.” She put the sign in the window and settled back to sleep.
A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she dozed off. Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, “Can’t you read?” To which he replied, “Sure I can. Just wanted to let you know… It’s 8:27.”
* * *
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The announcer was giving the couples tips when she announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is best. And gentlemen, it would be nice for you to walk along with your partner.”
The room turned silent. Finally, one man raised his hand.
“Is it all right,” he asked, “if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
* * *
Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of the hill. “That was a tough climb,” said the front rider.
“Sure was,” replied the second. “Darn good thing I kept the brake on or else we would have slid down backwards.”
* * *
An overweight man signs up for a weight loss program complete with a personal trainer. It includes a run each morning at six.
So when the doorbell rings the next morning, he’s ready. He opens the door and sees the most beautiful blonde he’s ever seen. Tall, well-endowed above a slim waist and long legs, she’s dressed in a pair of shorts that can barely contain her. She smiles and says, “If you can catch me, you can kiss me,” and starts off at a fast run.
This continues each morning. After three frustrating weeks, the man gets in shape and can almost keep up with her. One day he’s barely able to touch her shorts but can’t hang on. Tomorrow will be the big day, he thinks. He barely sleeps that night.
The next day, the bell rings. He runs to the door and throws it open. There stands a huge burley woman, six-foot-five and 265 pounds. She’s muscled up like an ox and has a large wart amid her facial hair. She smiles and says, “I’m your new trainer. If I can catch you, I can kiss you!”
