Tuesday, October 31, 2006 Rules of the horrror By Leticia Suarez-Orendain
BRING out the old Halloween costume—the latex mask of a witch with unruly locks, fangs, warts and all.
This should do the trick in presenting yourself as the not-so-treat-of-a-girl in the Halloween Hall of Scream. However, this is mere Cinderella when compared to one scary film dating back to 1979. Twenty-seven years is a long time, so you can be excused if you don’t remember the film.
Score a copy of the film to see for yourself why the film-o-maniac’s movie review bible, Rotten Tomatoes, still gushes—we’re not saying in blood—about The Evil Dead (TED). It has received 100 percent positive notes or healthy tomato-reviews. There.
I’ve finally given the movie title. Here are some sample reviews:
“Still feels like the punchiest horror flick this side of a Dario Argerto Gialli.” (Ed Gonzales, Slant Magazine)
“Think The Blair Witch Project but with the witch holding the camera.” (Dan Fazio, City Search)
“ . . . what it lacks in weight, it compensates for with a relentless pace, disturbing atmosphere, as well as some imaginative displays of dismemberment.” (Martyn Glanville, BBC)
It’s been said that TED is the mummy (pun intended) of all horror films, being the proto-type of today’s scream-of-consciousness films. You can disagree.
The Exorcist was an earlier production (1973), truly horrifying since possession is possible and by far serious in content and rich in literary value; however, the weaker TED comes off as a cut above the rest, ahead of its time with its good prosthetics and special effects considering this was the 1970’s. TED sequels squeal with humor, very much the genre of Scary Movie (2000) types.
TED is the springboard from where I dive into commitment. Something clicked in my mind when I watched: Rules of horror.
Every little thing in horror films counts and will be of value in the future.
Actors in any horror film are well advised to heed some of the warnings I have formulated. Come to think of it, this speaks to us, who are real actors in life where horrors, such as delayed payment of electric bills, translate into weeks of darkness and fear. Now the plot thickens.
RULE 1. An innocent camping trip, with the actors joking along the way, isn’t always what it seems. The antiquated log cabin near a spooky river and eerie-looking bare trees are clues of what’s coming.
RULE 2. When you see a dusty book, especially with titles like Book of the Dead, keep it. Near the end of the film you will need it to exorcise evil.
RULE 3. Artists be careful. If you can, avoid playing the role of the artist. In the story, the girl who sketches some objects in the house becomes the main dish of the evil spirit.
RULE 4. There’s always a clown or some loudmouth in horror films. His role is to irritate you to the point of wishing him bumped off. The clown pigheadedly replays a mysterious tape recording of incantations that resurrect malevolent spirits. He never makes it to the end of the film. Forewarned is forearmed, right?
RULE 5. Give your girlfriend a sentimental gift; a silver necklace with a pendant in the shape of a dagger or a magnifying glass will do. This will come in as a handy tool to pull something or to cut off the ropes binding your wrists.
RULE 6. Beware of mirrors. The face you see may not be your own.
RULE 7. Don’t kiss or undress in front of a window. The evil spirit might be a Peeping Tom.
RULE 8. Go out of the house, in the dead of the night, at your own risk. Neither shout, “Is anybody out there?” because something is really out there.
RULE 9. A conversation with evil is foolish. The only response you could get is “Awoooh” or “Aaarrgh.”
RULE 10. Never, never check to test if the possessed person you just killed is really dead. It’s not dead. Like cockroaches, evil dead are excellent at playing dead. If you leave them for dead, walk away with your head turned in their direction. You see, the evil dead can creep away to hide in the dark where they get rejuvenated and a second chance to attack you.
RULE 11. Pencils are useful as weapons of destruction.
RULE 12. Always, always, the basement is the only place where you can contain evil. Now, isn’t this last one enough reason to avoid basements?
