Sunday, December 31, 2006 Pages: Bang! Bang! Predictions for ‘007 By John Pages Matchpoint
ANDRE AGASSI: Baldheaded since the late 1990s, Agassi makes a hair-raising decision: He teams up with the All-England Club for a revolutionary treatment to combat hair loss. On June 3rd, 2007, Agassi announces that the revered green leaves that grow on Wimbledon’s Centre Court will be implanted on his shining top. By December ‘007, Agassi has more hair than Pete Sampras.
RONNIE ALCANO: The world billiards champion, Alcano faces a jam-packed room on April 14 at the Manila Hotel to make a startling announcement: He and Efren “Bata” Reyes— who wear the same mustache, the same no-shower-before-the-game superstition, and exactly the same brand of false teeth, “SMILE, IT’S OK”— are, just as we all suspected, real-life brothers.
TIGER WOODS: The man who lost his father in ’06 becomes one in ’007. “MRS. WOODS PREGNANT!” ran the sports headlines in Feb. 12. By mid-November, Tiger steps out of the delivery room carrying a 7.3-lb. baby he names “Cub.” A month later, before Cub could stand up, walk and say “Dada,” he swings a 3-wood from the crib and the ball travels 162 yards. Just like dad.
MONICO PUENTE-VELLA and GO TENG KOK: Recently, the Bacolod congressman and the controversial athletics chief had a public quarrel. Go Teng Kok, reports say, called Monico “para kang bakla.” Monico fumed at the comment, ran towards Go before he was stopped. Instead of a fistfight, he threw a glass of water on GTK. Thus, “the fight” never ensued... Well, it’s been announced: On Feb. 25, during the World Cup of Boxing, before Rey “Boom-Boom” Bautista steps into the ring to battle Daniel Ponce De Leon, the preliminary bout reads: “10-rounds/all punches, no politics / Newk vs GTK.”
ROGER FEDERER: He wins Wimbledon, the Australian and U.S. Opens, plus adds the elusive French Open crown. It’s a Roger Slam. His year-end earnings topple $10 million. But, never mind all these, Sports Illustrated, the magazine that snubbed the Swiss in ’06, still doesn’t name him “2007 Sportsman of the Year.” Instead, they award “Barbaro” for winning the Triple Crown. Who’s he? He’s a horse.
ZINEDINE ZIDANE: The retired football star is hired by Madrid’s top bull-fighting arena, Plaza de Toros, to replace their aging bull. Zidane marks his debut by missing the red cloth and tackling the matador.
LANCE ARMSTRONG: He joined the 2006 New York City Marathon, finished in 2:59:36, and decides to be an elite marathoner. On April 16, he joins the world’s most prestigious foot race and, would you believe it, Armstrong wins the Boston Marathon! (Of course, he was riding a bike.)
BEN WALLACE: After eight seasons of cultivating 17 different species of insects, Wallace finally gets a haircut. Thank God, he no longer looks like a microphone.
DENNIS RODMAN: It was in April 2006 when the “Bad Boy” played at the Mandaue Coliseum. Twelve months later, he returns— not to play basketball, he didn’t even bring his Converse hi-tops— but, in his own words, because “I missed that bood-bood (“bud-bud”) so much, ya’ know, I gotta have those. I like to eat them with the leaves on...”
MANNY PACQUIAO: Due to conflicting offers from San Miguel Beer to Motolite to No Fear to Xtreme Magic Sing, Pacman quits the endorsement business but allows his picture to be placed on the new P2,000 bill.
MARIA SHARAPOVA: The Women’s Tennis Association (WTA), unable to convince the US Open champion of the hazardous effect her shrieking voice has on spectators’ eardrums, issues a new policy: “Spectators to every Maria Sharapova match are required to wear earplugs.”
FLOYD LANDIS: The 2006 Tour de France champion, whose title was in limbo because drug test results concluded that his testosterone levels were abnormally high, arrives in France to a packed press conference.
“I am here to admit,” he said, “that I took drugs last year. The night before Stage 17, I took medication that I shouldn’t have to increase my level of testosterone.” The room turned quiet. “The name is Penrex.”
MICHELLE WIE: Accepted into Stanford University, the 17-year-old golf phenom meets Joe Boxer, the star player of the Stanford football team, falls in love with the 6-foot-6 quarterback, and declares one afternoon, “I’m in love. I quit golf.”
RAFAEL NADAL: Tennis’ world no.2, who beat Roger Federer four times in 2006, starts ’007 losing to Federer in six finals. He’s exasperated, bored and wants something new. Armed with gigantic biceps, he declares “Vamos!” to tennis, enrolls at a Gold’s Gym in Barcelona, and works out with 300-lb. barbells six hours daily. By November ‘007, he enlists himself for the 2008 Mr. Universe.
CARMELO ANTHONY: Not wanting to waste time during his 15-game suspension, Anthony enrolls at Freddie Roach’s secret training camp. By the end of the NBA season, he declares: “I’m ready to fight you, Floyd Mayweather!”
MICHAEL JORDAN: He meets Andre Agassi at a golf charity function, likes his new “grass-hairdo” and books a first-class flight the next day to Wimbledon.
SYLVESTER STALLONE: He films one last sequel, “Rocky VII: Rocky Dies of Old Age.” (john@brightacademy.edu.ph)
