Sunday, August 26, 2007 Lim: Save yourself By Melanie T. Lim Wide Awake
IT is not an easy decision to end a relationship—most especially a marriage. And if children are involved, it is an even tougher decision to make.
There are bitter realities one must face despite the many compelling reasons to end a marriage.
Aside from the financial burden of going it alone, there is the long and lonely road of raising children as a single parent—a decision you will probably second-guess for the rest of your life. You will probably always wonder what might have been and if whether or not, you made the right decision not only for yourself but for your children.
And then there is the social stigma of being separated, of having been party to a failed marriage, of having somehow been responsible for breaking up a home—because you made the decision to end your marriage. The guilt of marking your children for life, you will always carry because your children will also carry the stigma of belonging to a broken home.
And yet despite all these bitter realities, you must ask yourself whether or not you can continue to stay in a marriage where love has gone and fear, pain and hopelessness have taken root.
There is a line in every relationship neither party should ever cross. Despite your vows to love each other forever, for better or for worse, some things should remain inviolable. One’s dignity and self-respect, for example—these are non-negotiable. Once these are systematically taken away from you, you should not stay—no matter what is at stake.
Abuse exists in more relationships than you think. Abuse does not have to be physical to be damaging, psychological abuse is just as destructive and debilitating.
Many battered women never make it out the gates of their gilded cages. Without the financial and emotional support of their families, there is no means of escape. As such, they are compelled to develop survival mechanisms that allow them to cope with lifelong abuse. Sometimes, these women are lauded for their forbearance.
But the applause is misplaced. These women are not saints, they are victims.
Through the years, they are able to dramatically increase their threshold for pain. But through the years, they also lose their capacity to say “Stop—enough!” After a while, what they are “used to” becomes “normal” and what is “normal” becomes right.
Many people stay for the children’s sake. But at some point in your suffering, you will have to ask yourself if your staying in the marriage is actually doing more harm than good to your children.
You cannot be so naïve as to think you are alone in your suffering. Your children suffer too, sometimes in silence and often in confusion. Worse, when you lose your moral compass—your capacity to know right from wrong, so will your children. When your sanity or safety is at stake, there is no reason to stay—not even for the children’s sake.
Many decisions we make, we will probably always second-guess. But you will never second-guess your decision to secure your safety and the safety of your children.
