Sunday, September 30, 2007 Mercado: Lethal words and worry By Juan L. Mercado Sidebar
(OUR e-mail box this week was stuffed with items about conflicting medical opinions and words that women use---with lethal effect. Enjoy---JLM)
“Should a new hospital wing be built?” officials asked their doctors.
They got conflicting medical opinions. Here they are:
Allergists voted to scratch it; but dermatologists advised no rash moves. We have “a gut-feeling about this,” gastroenterologists admitted. The neurologists felt the administration had a lot of nerve. All “labored under a misconception,” the obstetricians said.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; "Over my dead body," the pathologists yelled. But the pediatricians advised: "Grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the idea was mad. The surgeons washed their hands of the plan. But the radiologists saw through it while the internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
"This puts a whole new face on the matter," the plastic surgeons said, although podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
Still, urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. And the whole idea was a gas, anesthesiologists commented. The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to some asshole.
All physicians agree on the value of exercise. And they endorsed the following no-nonsense “Daily Exercise Program for Writers (Senior or Otherwise)”:
Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb those walls. Wade through the morning paper. Drag your heels. Push your luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit the nail on the head…
After catching your breath, bend over backwards. Jump on the Band Wagon. Run around in circles. Toot your own horn. Pull out all the stops. And add fuel to the fire…
Don’t stop there. Open a can of worms. Put your foot in your mouth. Start the ball rolling. And go over the edge.
Now, you’re in homestretch. Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer. Bow your head in thanksgiving. Lift up your hands in praise. Hug someone and encourage them. Hold your breath then---break out laughing.
Now, begin all over again.
The psychiatrists and psychologists, meanwhile, drew up a check-list of words that women use. These that signal: Danger. These include the following:
"Fine." This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. "Five Minutes" is relative. If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is five minutes if you’ve been given five more minutes to watch TV game before taking out the garbage.
"Nothing." This is the calm before the storm. It means something. Don’t let your guard down. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in--– “Fine.” "Go Ahead" is a dare. It is not a permission. Don't Do It! Only fools will rush in.
“Loud Sigh.” This is actually a word which men often fail to grasp. A loud sigh means you are an idiot. And she wonders why she’s wasting her time arguing with you about “nothing.” (Refer back to above paragraph for the meaning of “nothing.”)
"That's okay." This is probably one of the most dangerous statements women can make. That's okay means: she’s thinking hard before deciding how and when you’ll be brought up short for your mistake.
"Don't worry. I got it." Another lethal statement meaning: you’ve been told several times to do something but now she’s doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking: "What's wrong?" And the response? You guessed it: “Nothing.”
