Sunday, November 25, 2007 Women's world: Culture clash By Dr. Dana Ruiz-Sesante and Cindy Ruiz Garaña, R.N. Women's world
Dear Cindy,
I’M a 22-year-old-lady and have an Indian (a Hindu) for a boyfriend. I met my boyfriend when I was still studying, and we’ve been together for the past three years. My concern is that ever since our relationship began, problems have always beset us.
Cindy, my boyfriend is a naturalized Filipino. But the strict Indian culture has been strongly nurtured in their family. Neither his family nor the Indian community will accept me. As for my family, I’ve been an open book to my parents and they know well enough how his family resents our relationship.
But year after year, my parents, especially my dad, noticed that my boyfriend hasn’t introduced me to his family. I’ve always felt that we belong to two different worlds when it comes to socializing, beliefs, and most of all—our religions. My parents say that I’m just wasting my time because it’s not going to work out.
I know my parents have a point. But God knows how much we love each other. Although we have different spiritual orientations, we both believe in God. I am terribly confused. I love my parents and I don’t want to disappoint them, but I guess by disobeying them, I am letting them down. But I don’t want to lose my heart.
Gilian
Dear Gilian,
Let me share you one basic fact I have learned about relationships: if a couple has similar interests, socio-economic-cultural background, and religious background, the more likely that the relationship is enhanced. The greater the differences, the more adjustments the two have to make. These adjustments tend to add pressures on the parties concerned and may strain relationships.
In your case, he is an Indian and a Hindu; you are Filipino and I assume a Christian. In short, you both come from very diverse backgrounds and cultures. Though you both believe in God and go to church together to pray, your religious orientations are different.
But have you considered what it might be like when you get married and have children? Will they be raised as Christians or Hindus? How about your relationship with his family members? From what you have written, this seems to be a potential “trouble spot” in your relationship.
Gilian, you are still very young and at the helm of life! It might help if you go out, meet other young people, open yourself to other relationships with the opposite sex. Let your relationship with your Indian boyfriend stand the test of time.
I pray that you will carefully discern God’s plan and desire for you. Remember that God’s ways are not man’s ways; we can only put our full trust in Him for He knows what best for us.
God bless,
Cindy
Tied to mom's apron strings
Dear Dr. Dana,
It was too late when I realized that to be married to a man attached to his mother could bring insurmountable and tremendous troubles too difficult to handle.
My marriage, I would say, is not a “failure.” I have a cute daughter who gives me reason for living, but my husband’s arrogance, hard-headedness and toughness have practically killed all my feelings for him. I plodded along, granting his every wish.
I’ve been trying to convince him for years now to have our own home and live separately from his parents as any normal married couple would, but he insists on staying in their palatial house.
After all these years, I have been convinced that he has chosen to be a good son rather than be a good husband. One day, I just found myself packing and with my child in tow, left our house and decided to have my way. Have I made the right decision? Please help.
Rina
Dear Rina,
It seems that you married a man who is still tied to his mother’s apron strings; one who seems incapable and immature to enter into a deeper commitment. However, this column does not and will never advocate separation and family break-up.
Why not have a dialogue with your husband, just the two of you. Pray and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit. Try to seek the counseling of a priest.
Listen to your husband’s side, then also voice out your own stand. Never raise your voices or be judgmental. If he still chooses to stay with his parents, perhaps it would be high time to seek the advice of a lawyer. Maybe his love for you is less than his love for his own parents.
If so, cut clean. Seek the guidance of a lawyer on the proceedings of marriage annulment and your parish priest for a canonical side of things.
Very truly yours,
Dr. Dana R. Sesante
Dana Ruiz-Sesante, M.D. owns and operates Ruiz Derma & Spa which offers a wide variety of beauty services. There are branches at SM City Cebu Ayala Center, SM-Cebu and other locations.
Cynthia Ruiz-Garaña, RN, supervises Ruiz Beauty and Healthcare Training Institute located at 132 Don Mariano Cui St., Capitol Site, Cebu City. E-mail them at ruizderma@yahoo.com
